Vayechi: Knowing the Strengths of Our Children

Yaakov Avinu, the esteemed father of the Shivtei Kah, gives each of his twelve sons final words of blessing and guidance in this week’s parsha. It is powerful to learn through the pesukim and view Yaakov’s vision of the potential of each of his children. Yaakov did not merely bless them as a group, as the generic roots of the nation, but as individuals. Here we will discuss the Torah value of knowing our children deeply – and blessing them with that knowledge. 

Yaakov is a man of multiplicity, in the words of Rabbi Daniel Fine. His mission was to combine the chessed of Avraham together with the gevura of Yitzchak, to produce the perfect synthesis of a midda called tiferet. He married 4 wives and had at least two children with each of them to build the nation. He is father of malchut, kehuna and Torah scholars all at once. He is father to businessmen and warriors. His essence was multiplicity; many routes and means for achieving something. Rav Hirsch suggests that Yitzchak on some level did not provide his children with the best chinuch and explains how he treated Eisav like a Yaakov, which ultimately led to Eisav’s rebellion. Yaakov seems to have mastered the internal worlds of each of his twelve sons, giving them guidance and blessings in accordance with their own strengths, tendencies and failings. He describes Yehuda as a lion, whose bold nature we see in the pesukim of Bereishit yet curses the anger of Shimon and Levi as manifested against the people of Shechem.

Understanding our child’s internal world must be the goal of every parent. Rebbetzin Gottlieb teaches on the words ‘darsha tzemer ufishtim’¹ ‘She seeks wool and flax’ that these two opposing materials, halachically forbidden to be combined, represent conflicting personalities in our children, which must be mastered by the eishet chayil. The woman of the home has to successfully figure out how to intertwine these opposing natures of her children and integrate them harmoniously. Wool and linen represent the two core elements of din and rachamim, judgement and mercy. An effective parent has to know when their child needs firm discipline and when they need tender love and this can vary by child and even by moment. Yaakov Avinu’s brachot illustrate beyond a doubt that he knew the inner worlds of his children and how to successfully relate to each of them where they were individually, as a family, and ultimately, as progenitors of the nation. 

It is powerful to view Yaakov’s final words to his children on a macro level. For Yaakov’s family, it is parting words of a loving father to his sons but on a klal level, it is the Jewish nation’s final chizuk and guidance from the last of the Avot before descending into galut mitzrayim. We can suggest that somehow, klal yisrael needed these individualised blessings from Yaakov before becoming mired in the horrendous slave labor as well as rampant immorality of Egypt as described in the next parsha, Shemot. Perhaps it was these final words of Yaakov’s which the children and grandchildren of the shevatim held onto to ensure that they did not assimilate². We know they kept their clothing, their names and their language. Perhaps this was all in the merit of their Zeide Yaakov who gave them the most priceless gift before sending them into galut: their unique identity. Indeed, Rabbi Kallus³ points out that the mention of the 11 stars of Yosef’s dream in the song ‘echad mi yodea’ seems random and less spiritual than the other items listed. However, he explains that we came down to Egyptian exile with the status of stars, like shining kochvaya. We came down in glory, as the children of the holy Yaakov Avinu. This feeling, bequeathed to us by none other than Yaakov himself, is a central point of our Exodus story, as it is what enabled our spiritual survival. 

It is powerful to view Yaakov’s final words to his children on a macro level. For Yaakov’s family, it is parting words of a loving father to his sons but on a klal level, it is the Jewish nation’s final chizuk and guidance from the last of the Avot before descending into galut mitzrayim. We can suggest that somehow, klal yisrael needed these individualised blessings from Yaakov before becoming mired in the horrendous slave labor as well as rampant immorality of Egypt as described in the next parsha, Shemot. Perhaps it was these final words of Yaakov’s which the children and grandchildren of the shevatim held onto to ensure that they did not assimilate.

We see this play out with Yosef’s descent to Mitzrayim, an early parallel for what was to come for his descendants. When Yosef is faced with the nisayon of Potiphar’s wife, the Gemara⁴ tells us that he saw his father’s face which saved him from sin. The Gemara reveals that at 17 years old, alone and battling a relentless desire, Yosef intended to give in that day and to be intimate with Potiphar’s wife. It was his father’s face, captured in his youthful mind, which rescued him from losing all his kedusha. Rabbi Frand⁵ brings the words of the Gemara where Yosef hears Yaakov telling him “Yosef, in the future your brothers will want to inscribe your name among the stones of the Ephod worn by the Kohen Gadol, together with the names of the other tribes. Do you want to do something that will cause your name to be blotted out from the names of my other sons?” This fear of losing his connection to his father is what held him back from sinning. It was his father who believed in him, knew him deeply and predicted his great potential in shaping Jewish history that allowed him to choose right. Having a parent who believes we are great and helps us see that greatness is what enables us to survive galut, not only physically, but spiritually. Such is the result of a true blessing, for a bracha is something which enables someone to see the expanded, actualised version of themselves. 

We can parallel these parting words of Yaakov, with the parting words of another great leader, who also blessed the Jewish people by tribe. Yaakov blesses us in Parshat Vayechi, the end of Sefer Bereshit and Moshe blesses us in Parshat Vezot Habracha, the end of Sefer Devarim. Hashem wraps the ends of both the first and final segment of the Torah in guidance and blessings from leaders who truly knew us and loved us. However, while Yaakov’s words focus on the personality and personal potential of his children, Moshe’s words focus on the historic significance. The inherited land portion of each tribe, the method of conquering and the different sources of livelihood across the tribes. Yaakov’s order mostly aligns with ages whereas Moshe’s order seems more chaotic as it aligns with the order of inheriting and conquering the land⁶. This leads us to our concluding message which is that as parents, we must recognise that children have two identities. Their role at home, in the family, with their personality and their role in the wider world, with their achievements and contributions to klal yisrael. 

May we be able to identify, both like Yaakov and Moshe, our children’s inner world and outer world and guide them and bless them to bring it to fruition. 

1. From Eishet Chayil, Mishlei 31:13 ↩︎
2. Inspired by idea from Rav Twerski Haggada where he writes that as long as the Zeide is at the table, the children behave ↩︎
3. In his shiur on Torah Anytime ↩︎
4. Sotah 36b ↩︎
5. https://torah.org/torah-portion/ravfrand-5772-vayeishev/
   ↩︎
6. https://outorah.org/p/37748/
   ↩︎