Elul: A Time to Work on Relationships

🖨 Print

Ask any child what the word Elul stands for, and he will confidently answer: “אני לדודי ודודי לי” — “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.” But there is another, lesser-known acronym hidden in the word Elul, one that reveals a different but equally important dimension of this special month: “איש לרעהו ומתנות לאביונים” — “Each man to his fellow, and gifts to the poor,” the words from Megillas Esther.

The message is powerful. Elul is not only a time to strengthen our relationship bein adam laMakom, between ourselves and Hashem. It is also a time to strengthen our relationships bein adam lachaveiro — to become better friends, neighbours, colleagues and human beings.

The Zohar teaches a profound concept often described as a “soul contract.” Before a neshomah descends into this world, while it is still a pristine soul, Hashem shows it the experiences it will encounter during its lifetime. Among those experiences are the people it will meet along the way.

The neshomah agrees to this mission, and only then is it placed into a body and sent into the world.

If we contemplate this idea, it changes the way we look at the people around us.

The person sitting beside us. The teacher who challenges us. The neighbour who needs our help. The friend who calls when he is struggling. Even the person who tests our patience. None of these encounters are random.

Every person who enters our life has been placed there by Hashem. Some are there to teach us, some to help us, and some may be there specifically to allow us to develop our own middos.

When we respond to others with patience, kindness, and compassion, we are not merely doing a nice thing. We are fulfilling part of the mission for which our neshomah came into this world.

After all, every human being possesses a חלק אלוקי ממעל — a Divine spark — and therefore deserves to be treated with dignity, kindness, and respect.

Chazal teach us a remarkable principle: “הדן את חבירו לכף זכות, דנין אותו לזכות” — “One who judges his fellow favourably is himself judged favourably.”¹

As we approach Rosh Hashanah, this teaching takes on enormous significance.

We all stand before Hashem hoping to be judged with rachamim. We want Hashem to see our potential, overlook our shortcomings, and give us another year of life, health, and blessing.

Chazal reveal a powerful way to merit such a judgment: judge others in the same way.

When someone disappoints us, we can choose to assume the worst — or we can pause and give him the benefit of the doubt.

When someone makes a mistake, we can focus on the failure — or we can remember that we, too, are imperfect.

When we learn to look at others with compassion, we create a powerful merit for ourselves. The way we treat others becomes, in a sense, the lens through which we are judged Above.

Our Rabbis teach another extraordinary principle: “כל המרחם על הבריות, מרחמין עליו מן השמים” — “Whoever has mercy on Hashem’s creatures will be shown mercy from Heaven.” ² The Gemara illustrates this with a moving story about Rabbeinu Hakadosh, the great sage who compiled the Mishnah.

A calf was being led to the slaughterhouse when it suddenly broke away and hid beneath Rebbi’s cloak, crying in fear. Rebbi, however, told the calf to go, saying that this was what it had been created for. For this lack of compassion, Rebbi was punished with suffering and illness.

Tzedakah is not merely about giving money. It represents our responsibility towards another person — the recognition that someone else’s needs matter to us. Imagine the power of that.
A person sees another Jew struggling, opens his heart, and reaches into his pocket to help. That act of bein adam lachaveiro can become a zechus powerful enough to overturn a harsh decree. How incredible is the power of one act of kindness.

Years later, Rebbi’s maid was cleaning the house when she discovered a litter of kittens. She was about to sweep them away when Rebbi stopped her. “Leave them,” he said, invoking the words, “Hashem is merciful to all His creatures.”

At that moment, a declaration was made in Heaven: Since Rebbi had now shown mercy, Heaven would show mercy to him. Immediately, his suffering ceased³. The lesson is breathtakingly simple: mercy creates mercy.

If we want Hashem to look upon us with compassion as we approach the Yom HaDin, we must strive to look upon His creations with compassion as well.

Rav Yisroel Salanter, the great master of mussar, offered another powerful insight into how a person can merit a favourable judgment. He taught that a person should strive to become someone others can rely on. Can people turn to you when they need advice?

Can they depend on you when they are in financial difficulty?

Can they count on you to lend a helping hand?

And sometimes, the answer is much simpler: Can someone count on you for a warm smile? A smile may cost nothing, but it can change someone’s entire day. A kind word can lift a person’s spirits. A small act of consideration can give someone the strength to keep going.

When we make ourselves useful to others, when people are genuinely better off because we are part of their lives, we create an enormous zechus.

Perhaps this gives us a deeper understanding of the words we recite so often during this season: “תשובה ותפילה וצדקה מעבירין את רוע הגזרה”- “Repentance, prayer and charity avert the severity of the decree.”

Chazal teach us that teshuvah, tefillah, and tzedakah have the power to change a harsh decree⁴.

The commentators explain the profound connection among these three areas: they represent our relationships with Hashem, ourselves, and others.

Tzedakah is not merely about giving money. It represents our responsibility towards another person — the recognition that someone else’s needs matter to us. Imagine the power of that.

A person sees another Jew struggling, opens his heart, and reaches into his pocket to help. That act of bein adam lachaveiro can become a zechus powerful enough to overturn a harsh decree. How incredible is the power of one act of kindness.

On Rosh Hashanah, we will stand before the Melech Malchei HaMelachim, the King of all Kings. We will come with our tefillos, our hopes and our dreams, asking Hashem for another year — a year of health, happiness, success and blessing.

Elul allows us to prepare for that moment.

We can work on our relationship with Hashem. We can work on ourselves. And we can work on the way we treat the people around us.

Perhaps the greatest preparation for the Yom HaDin is not only asking Hashem to judge us favourably, but learning to judge others favourably ourselves.

Let us enter Rosh Hashanah having become people who bring warmth instead of tension, encouragement instead of criticism, and kindness instead of indifference.

May our efforts in bein adam lachaveiro create a powerful zechus for us and for those around us, and may Hashem, in turn, look upon us with rachamim and compassion.

Shanah Tovah U’Metuka!