Acharei Mot-Kedoshim: Giving and Receiving Rebuke with Grace

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The pasuk (Vayikra 19:17) commands us to rebuke our fellow Jew. Rebuke, the translation of the word tochacha, does not do full justice to the term. Tochacha is not merely a lecture or nagging or criticism, it is loving, gentle and personalised guidance to serving Hashem better. It must be done only from compassion and in a discreet manner, never out of anger or publicly. When done correctly, tochacha is the greatest chessed we can perform for a fellow Jew. Just as we are commanded “al taamod al dam reiacha” not to stand by idly when we see a threat to a Jew’s physical life, so too we should not remain silent when we see a threat to a Jew’s spiritual life. When we approach tochacha in this way, our fellow Jew can feel it and we can be assured that words that emanate from the heart, penetrate the heart.

The pasuk in Mishlei (3:11) tells us “mussar Hashem beni al timas” “My son, do not despise the rebuke of Hashem.” When we hear words of correction, we should not shy away from them but rather tune into them, run after them even, like gems. Shlomo Hamelech later writes “Rebuke a wise man and he will love you.” Much like a kalla preparing for her wedding would like to be told if her hair is out of place or if there is a blemish on her face so she can fix it in time, so too a wise person wants to know if they are properly tending to their soul and if there is a blemish in their avodas Hashem.

Importantly, the Netivot Shalom provides another interpretation of the initial pasuk in Mishlei. “Mussar Hashem” the rebuke of Hashem is “beni” you are My child “al timas” don’t disgrace yourself. The ultimate tochacha is facing ourselves, acknowledging that we are “beni” – Hashem’s beloved child from whom greatness is predicted and demanded. We need to pick ourselves up from our aveirot and not shame ourselves or others, but rather say “beni, al timas” I am a child of Hashem and I should not lower myself by being involved in this. True tochacha is not knocking someone down, but raising someone up to be the child Hashem knows, loves, believes in and desires them to be.

Moshe Rabbeinu is the epitome of powerful tochacha. Rav Shraga Simmons discusses several ways in which Moshe delivers his tochacha in the most ideal, Torah-centric way. He delivered his tochacha right before he died so the people would not have to face him after he delivered it and be embarrassed. It also removed the possibility of nagging because Moshe would not be around to remind the people of the error of their ways. Moshe chose to deliver his tochacha right before his passing as he understood that the people would be most receptive to a speech at that time.

If a person feels that their tochacha will be ignored or cause defensiveness, rebellion or anger, it is better not to give it. It must also stem from love and compassion and not from anger or any other negative source. The people, having seen Moshe lead them to victory against Sichon and Og could clearly see that Moshe had their best interests at heart. Moshe, as our wise leader, knew he had to demonstrate to the people that just as he led them in battle for their benefit, so too he was pointing out their spiritual shortcomings for their benefit¹.

Dr Leslie Gutman points out that the Rambam’s principles on giving tochacha, such as the need for it to be from love, in private and in a gentle manner – guide us to the ultimate rule that the goal of tochacha is to preserve and even enhance relationships and not just to “one-up” the other. Sharing with a spouse, friend or child something that bothers us should not be to criticise, belittle or demean but rather to protect our connection with that person and guide them how to protect their connection with us.

Her advice, rooted in Torah and psychological wisdom, includes keeping our comments short and approaching conversations with curiosity rather than criticism. Instead of saying “You’re so sensitive” we could say “What made you feel so strongly about this?” In place of saying “You bought the wrong shopping?” we can try “Can I check what happened with the shopping list?”² Certainty defines the person as a wrongdoer and actually blocks us from reconnecting with the person and journeying towards fixing the problem. Curiosity opens us up to new perspectives, understanding and ultimately, safeguarding our relationships with each other and above all, Hashem.

For ourselves, we should be aware of the tochacha around us and take it personally. Even if it is not directed at us, it can benefit us more than we realise. The Gemara in Sanhedrin tells us that in the days of King Chizkiyahu, Torah study needed strengthening. King Chizkiyahu stuck a sword into the Beit Midrash and cried out “Whoever doesn’t learn will be pierced by this sword!” We may question, if King Chizkiyahu wanted to encourage the nation to learn Torah, shouldn’t he have stuck a sword in the marketplace or other places where people were idling and not learning Torah? In the Beit Midrash, people did not need the warning of a sword because they were already learning!

The answer is that it is always the Jews in the Beit Midrash who impact the spiritual level of all the other Jews. If a secular Jew is breaking Shabbat, it is because a knowledgeable Jew is not being careful with their own shmirat Shabbat. It is we, who are most connected to Torah, who must be the most careful. When we hear mussar that people should daven, or do more chessed or keep a certain halacha, we should not be complacent. We should realise that if the nation is deficient in it, it is because of our personal deficiency. We are in the beit midrash, we can elevate the whole nation by being receptive to the tochacha of our chachamim.

May we merit to appreciate the gift of tochacha: to give it wisely and receive it wisely!