Mashpia vs Mekabel: Exploring the Feminine Virtue of Receiving

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In a world of givers and takers, very few people want to be perceived as takers. We’re taught from childhood that “sharing is caring” and that the best virtue we can nurture is to be a kind, giving person. The truth, however, is a bit more complex. The reality is that the world needs both; there can be no givers in the world if there is no one to receive what they have to offer. In Torah terms, the concepts¹ are mashpia (lit. ‘source of influence’) and mekabel (‘recipient’).

Firstly, some semantics. While technically the opposite of giving is taking, the concept of receiving is a synonym that makes all the difference. To take sounds self-centered, where the focus is on the one who gets. Receiving, on the other hand, is more neutral-sounding. The focus is less on what the one party gets, and is more evenly split on both the benefactor and benefactee. Giving and taking feels transactional, while giving and receiving feels reciprocal². To be in a relationship where one takes from you will feel very different than being in one where your partner receives from you.

Even when the giver and the gift remain the same, whether one has the mindset of a taker or a receiver makes a world of difference. To the taker, nothing will ever be enough. The goal is to keep getting, and what they actually get isn’t of primary importance. The taker can feel no gratitude as, to them, their need has not been fulfilled, so there is nothing to be grateful about. Contrast this with a true receiver. The receiver is a receptacle, making space for another person and their gifts. The core trait of the receiver is gratitude³. The receiver truly appreciates what the giver gives them and returns the favor.

The typical mashpia-mekabel relationship is a marriage. The husband is considered the mashpia, as the quality of giving is inherently male, while the wife is the mekabel, as the quality of receiving is inherently female⁴. While a summary this brief can ruffle some feathers, the more we explore the actual dynamic of the relationship between the mashpia and mekabel, the better we can understand that both parties are actually on equal footing.

When we give to another, we connect with them. We transfer a part of ourselves and this action leads us to be invested in whatever or whoever received our gift. Giving is so powerful because it allows us to emulate (and in so doing, better understand) the archetypal mashpia – Hashem⁵. Thus, when we don’t have someone to give to, we often feel at a loss. What is the point of having anything if we have no one to share it with? With this perspective, the mekabel isn’t just a lucky recipient, they are actually instrumental in the giver being able to actualize his potential.

The concept of mashpia and mekabel is elucidated in the Book of Rut. In her story, Rut moves back to Israel with her mother-in-law, and the following scenario occurs: “Her mother-in-law said to her: Where did you glean today and where did you work? Blessed be he who acknowledged you. She told her mother-in-law with whom she had worked, and she said: The name of the man with whom I worked today is Boaz.”⁶

Rut Rabbah immediately notes Rut’s phrasing, “the man with whom I worked” as opposed to “the man worked with me”. Rabbi Yehoshua said that this was because “[Rut] performed many actions and many favors for him because he gave [her] one slice of bread.”⁷ He acknowledges that Boaz is the original mashpia in the story as he is the one with wealth who could provide Rut with food and work, but ultimately that Rut took this relatively small kindness and repaid him tenfold. Rut illustrates how the process of receiving is not passive, rather that it is very action-forward, and the mashpia in turn receives.

Rabbi Yehoshua summarizes this sentiment, teaching “More than the owner does for the poor person, the poor person does for the owner”.⁸

So, how does this work in a marriage? If the husband is the mashpia, then we cannot say that he is in an unfair position of power and authority on account of him providing for his wife, because the entire dynamic actually rests upon his wife needing what he has to offer, and accepting it. The Gemara says in the name of Rabbi Chanilai, “Any man who does not have a wife lives without happiness, without blessing, and without goodness.”⁹ This is quite an intense statement, but we can understand it to mean that without a wife, a man has no means of channeling happiness, blessing, or goodness. The Gemara also states in the name of Rabbi Chelbo that “blessing is found in a person’s house only because of his wife”.¹⁰

Thus we have to ask, who is really the mashpia in a marriage? The truth is that both husband and wife are, just in different ways.

The key to the success of a mashpia-mekabel relationship is gratitude. We have to be able to acknowledge what we don’t have and appreciate when someone fills that gap for us. A simple-enough sounding task, but one that many people can’t bring themselves to embody.

Some families have both the husband and wife work, some only the husband work while the wife takes care of all home matters, and some have only the wife work while the husband learns Torah and home matters are divided. While many sources outline each spouse’s basic obligations to each other, the crux of the matter is that each one must honor the other¹¹. When a wife works or takes care of the household all day, and her husband does not treat her with respect or use their household earnings to support her, he cannot be called a true mashpia. If a husband learns and/or works day in and day out and praises his wife for all she does, but his wife doesn’t respect him and constantly disregards his will, she is definitely not a mekabel.

Miriam Kosman, in her book, “Circle, Arrow, Spiral” teaches that gratitude is inherent to the Jewish people – it’s in our name. The Jews are called “Yehudim” in Hebrew, “grateful ones”, after Leah named her fourth son “Yehuda”, stating “For this I will thank God”¹². If we are to have any meaningful relationship with Hashem – the ultimate and archetypal Mashpia, then we have to be the archetypal mekabelim.

Gratitude is the basis of honor, respect, and even love. The sages teach that “Whoever does not acknowledge a gift from a friend will eventually come to reject God Himself”. All of our interpersonal relationships are microcosms of our relationship with Hashem, making it vital that we implement these middot with everyone we know. In doing so, we can build the world that Hashem entrusted us to.