Getting Married : A Woman’s Sole Purpose in this World?

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Traditional gender roles in Judaism place a woman’s primary role in the home. In many communities, this role is so established that one would think the rabbinic and halachic literature on the matter was clear-cut. The truth, however, is that such literature is far from one-note. In this article, we will outline the hashkafic and halachic sources regarding a woman’s role in this world concerning the obligation to get married.

Firstly, a famous Mishnah in Brachot, “Rav said to Rabbi Ḥiyya: By what virtue do women merit to receive this reward [of their portion in the World to Come]? Rabbi Ḥiyya answered: They merit this reward for bringing their children to read the Torah in the synagogue, and for sending their husbands to study mishnah in the study hall, and for waiting for their husbands until they return from the study hall.”¹

At face value, this seems definitive. However, commentaries such as the Maarat HaAyin² and the Petach Einayim³ elucidate further. This quote is part of a larger context discussing the reward one receives both in this world and the World to Come for learning Torah with the appropriate mindset, namely that one will come to do good deeds and his character will improve. This is then supported by a promise Hashem makes outlined in Tehillim⁴, and the Gemara goes on to say that a similar, though stronger, promise is made to women⁵. The question then arises of how a woman can achieve this same reward if she is not obligated in Torah study, and the above quote is the Gemara’s answer.

As Hashem created Woman as an ezer k’negdo, there must be parallels in the mitzvot given to men and women. If a man has the obligation to learn Torah, both before and after getting married, then a woman’s complementary obligation must be to facilitate this study. Lest we think one is more lauded than the other, we have the famous story of Rabbi Akiva returning home after 24 years away learning Torah and becoming a leading sage of the generation; “Everyone flocked to welcome him, including [his wife]. But that wicked man said to her, ‘And where are you going?’ ‘A righteous man knows … what is his,’ she retorted. So she went to see him, but the disciples wished to turn her away. ‘Make way for her,’ [Rabbi Akiva] told them, ‘for my [learning] and yours are hers.’”⁶.

Yet all the above applies to women who are already married. What about unmarried women, and, further, what about a woman who just does not want to get married?

The basis for the distinction in obligation lies in two parts, one is that a man has the mitzvah of pru urvu while a woman does not, and the other is that the Sages “don’t attribute sinful thought (fantasizing) to women”. This is the basic halacha; a woman is not obligated to get married, though it is not encouraged to remain unmarried. There is no halachic ramification involved for a woman who chooses for her own reasons to abstain from marriage, though the Sages consider it human nature that all people want, implicitly or explicitly, to get married.

Tosefot writes, “A man may not remain unmarried, but a woman may.”⁷, and the Rambam similarly writes, “A man may not remain unmarried… But a woman may forgo marriage indefinitely.”⁸ Elsewhere, the Rambam specifies that “a woman should not remain unmarried, so as not to arouse suspicion.”⁹ The suspicion in question is that she would be having an affair with a married man, and while there is no clear Talmudic basis for this suspicion¹⁰, it is important to note that the Rema¹¹ holds the Rambam’s ruling as binding halacha, though the Tosefta kiPeshutah¹² holds that it is simply advice.

The basis for the distinction in obligation lies in two parts, one is that a man has the mitzvah of pru urvu while a woman does not¹³, and the other is that the Sages “don’t attribute sinful thought (fantasizing) to women”¹⁴. This is the basic halacha; a woman is not obligated to get married, though it is not encouraged to remain unmarried. There is no halachic ramification involved for a woman who chooses for her own reasons to abstain from marriage, though the Sages consider it human nature that all people want, implicitly or explicitly, to get married.

Regarding a man’s innate desire to get married, the Sages write, “Any man without a wife lives without joy, blessing, or benefit”¹⁵. Regarding women, they write, ““Each of you shall find rest in your husband’s home”.¹⁶ This indicates that a woman will not find contentment except in her husband’s home”¹⁷. In the case of men, the emphasis lies in what a man lacks without marriage, for a woman, the tone stresses the contentment a woman finds from marriage. Subtle semantic differences, though insightful into the motivations of each gender.

The Gemara in Ketubot¹⁸ explores a woman’s intrinsic desire to be married, going as far as to reckon that it is preferable for a woman to “dwell in grief [in an unhappy marriage] than dwell in widowhood”. Note, the Sages are not themselves saying that an unhappy marriage is better, rather saying that this is the position women take. Their support for this is the fact that the women they see are proud of their husbands even when they have unimpressive careers or are not wealthy.

Ultimately, there is no comprehensive “sole” purpose for women in this world, though the rabbinic literature does suggest a “soul” purpose. Regardless of the halacha not obligating women in marriage, one would be hard-pressed to find a source detailing the benefit of abstaining, largely because it has been the historic trend that women have always shown a strong inclination towards getting married. As with every person, our reward comes from performing the mitzvot with the appropriate kavana, and bringing Torah into our surroundings. Marriage presents a unique channel in which we can focus this, and adds to this reward insofar as we have the opportunity to merge our actions with that of our husband’s.