On the Biblical Origins and Effectiveness of Shidduchim

Shidduchim are an age-old tradition with very real biblical sources, halachic ramifications, and meaningful results. The word “shidduch” as explained by the Ran in Shabbat 5b, relates that “[The word has] the linguistic connotation of quiet calm and serenity, [like that] which a woman finds in the home.” Others maintain that the word shidduch means “to bind or tie” together (Aruch). Connecting two people with a strong tie to provide them with the ability to build a home, a marriage, and a life together. 

The first instance in the Torah where people themselves are engaged in making a match, a shidduch, is when Avraham sent his manservant, Eliezer, to find a wife for his son, Yitzchak.  He sent him saying, ”Take a wife for my son for Yitzchak” (Bereishit 24:4). He had Eliezer swear that he would uphold his instructions of taking a wife for Yitzchak only from his family that still resided in the Aram Naharayim area outside of Eretz Yisrael. He sent Eliezer off on the trip with loads of camels, gold, and other jewelry.

Upon arriving, Eliezer paused to pray to Hashem and request a sign that the woman he would find would be Heaven sent. His request was granted through her nature of loving-kindness; by the water rising up to greet her when she was filling water first for him and then for all of his camels as well. He presented Rivka with all of the gifts, and she invited him to her family’s home for a meal and to sleep. Lavan and Betuel’s response when the shidduch of Rivka and Yitzchak was discussed was, “The matter stemmed from Hashem.” Rashi explains on the spot that “He prepared her for you.” Lavan and Betuel agree with Eliezer’s request for the match “as Hashem has spoken.” 

The midrash in Bereishit Rabbah (68:4) claims that before this human engagement in the act of matchmaking, the original matchmaker is the One on high. The midrash relates a fascinating story regarding a certain noblewoman and the Tanna Rebbe Yose bar Chalafta. The noblewoman questioned Rebbe Yose bar Chalafta, “God created the world in 6 days, but what has He been doing since then? He replied that Hashem spends His time arranging shidduchim, carefully matching people with suitable spouses. 

Hearing this, the noblewoman thinking that was an easy thing and quite frivolous for a “god” to be doing, proclaimed that she could accomplish that herself; as a rich woman she had many, many servants, both male and female, and she said that in a short period of time she could easily join each male with a female and thereby accomplish without much effort what God seems to find so difficult. Rebbe Yose bar Chalafta challenged her to go and try it, she did so and indeed paired together all her male and female servants in one night. 

The next morning, however, she was overwhelmed with the complaints of her servants, as so many of the new couples were in fact completely incompatible; the noblewoman subsequently acknowledged God’s greatness. It seems clear that Hashem Himself spends much time, as it were, “working on” arranging appropriate shidduchim. Even more so, the Gemara in Sotah 2a relates that Hashem pairs men and women to each other based on their deeds. This takes place 40 days before the formation of an embryo.

Being involved in shidduchim is clearly an important value and mitzvah. It’s even on the level with learning Torah. The Gemara in Megillah 27a teaches that a sefer torah can only be sold for two reasons: to enable torah study or to get married. The Gemara in Shabbos 150a further states that the business of making shidduchim is considered the “business of Heaven” and since it’s an activity related to a mitzvah it is permitted to be done even on shabbos based on a teaching of Beit Hillel.

Rabbi Michael Taubes asserts that making shidduchim would qualify as a mitzvah and is based on the principle of areivut, responsibility towards other Jews. Any aspect of involving oneself in making shidduchim, arranging for prospective marriage partners to get together and ultimately, if all goes well, to get married, is actually a full-fledged mitzvah; the Shach in fact writes clearly (Choshen Mishpat 73:22) that one is considered to be doing an actual mitzvah himself when trying to arrange a marriage for others. The Maharsha (Shabbat 31:1) explains, strengthening this point, that when a person is asked in heaven “Asakta Bepru urvu,” were you involved in the mitzvah of procreation,” it includes the question “did you make Shidduchim for widows and orphans?” Therefore, to fully perform the mitzvah of shidduchim, the shadchanim should pray for the couple that they should be blessed with children (Derech Sicha 109-Yismach lev 26).

Facilitating a shidduch then can be understood as assisting Hashem in His business. Especially because we are instructed in Devarim 13:5 to “follow Hashem’s ways.” The Rambam in Hilchot Deot 1:6 iterates even further that “Just as He is considered gracious, so too should you be gracious…a person is obligated to conduct himself…and to emulate Him to the best of his ability.” Being involved in shidduchim is clearly an important value and mitzvah. It’s even on the level with learning Torah. The Gemara in Megillah 27a teaches that a sefer torah can only be sold for two reasons: to enable torah study or to get married. The Gemara in Shabbos 150a further states that the business of making shidduchim is considered the “business of Heaven” and since it’s an activity related to a mitzvah it is permitted to be done even on shabbos based on a teaching of Beit Hillel.

So, when we work to arrange matches we are directly emulating Him. To the extent that the Pele Yoetz (10) states, “when suggesting a Shidduch one should only consider oneself a messenger from shamayim and should not attribute a successful match to one’s strengths.” The Maharil engaged in Shidduchim and it was his primary source of income (Maharil Hilchot Chanukah). 

Historically, shadchanim used to only be Torah scholars who were well versed in Halacha and knew they could describe a person without exaggerating or distorting the truth. The laws of lashon harah apply especially in the circumstances surrounding a shidduch. For example, no one should express any opinion regarding a Shidduch, except for the family and the couple (Simcha Leish 1:8).

The benefits of a shidduch and the shidduch process are vast. It facilitates matches while maintaining the gender separation that is Torah-based in nature. The process allows those involved to make a sound and logical decision, since the emotions come after the elements are already in place. Knowing the values, ambitions, background, and health of the prospective match creates a strong and clear foundation for the match to proceed. 

With the hope that all those in need of a shidduch will find that shidduch that brings them an inner peace of mind – as this is what the business of Heaven is all about. Finding ways to involve ourselves in the making of shidduchim to any extent is a highly regarded mitzvah in which there’s a direct partnership with Hashem and everlasting results.