How Is Divorce Perceived in the Torah?

One thing that sets Judaism apart from many other religions and traditions is the centrality of marriage. There isn’t a notion that people who are married, raise children, and are concerned with creating a home are less focused on spirituality than those who live celibate lives. In fact, marriage is considered a holy union that adds completeness to our lives. 

After all, when Adam and Chava were created, Hashem declared, “It’s not good for man to be alone.”¹ The woman was called “flesh of my flesh”² because she was taken from Adam’s side, implying that man and woman complete each other, which is the goal of marriage. 

Therefore, it seems entirely paradoxical that a tradition that elevates marriage to such a high level of holiness would, at the same time, allow for the dissolution of this holy union and show compassion for spouses who simply can’t make it work. 

Not only does the Torah allow divorce, but there is an entire tractate in Talmud–Gittin—devoted to laws governing divorce. This raises the question of how acceptable is divorce in Judaism. When should a couple try to save a marriage and how do they know that the differences are irreconcilable? Is there life after divorce in the Jewish world?

Is Divorce Acceptable in Judaism?

The fact that divorce is allowed in Judaism isn’t a secret. However, is it acceptable? Are people who divorce viewed in an unfavorable light? 

On the one hand, it would be quite unfair to allow something, give people a process, including instructions on how to write and present a certificate of divorce or get, and then punish them for making this decision. 

However, on the other hand, the tragedy of divorce and its effect on the community and children can’t be understated. It’s written in the Talmud that even Hashem sheds tears when a man divorces his wife³.

At the same time, neither a husband nor a wife should be imprisoned in a destructive or no longer functional marriage. In fact, if either party refuses to behave to the other according to the agreement in the ketuba or marriage contract or if they mistreat each other, a divorce may even be encouraged as the only acceptable solution. 

Perhaps we can conclude that divorce is acceptable in Judaism if it is a necessity, such as critical surgery. If removing a limb is the only way to save the patient, then of course, this step needs to be taken. However, no one would approve of such a procedure if there were other options or ways to preserve the limb and the life of the patient. 

Similarly, the decision to divorce, and the people who make that decision, should be respected as long as it’s a last resort. 

A Woman’s Grounds for Divorce

One of the most life-changing and gut-wrenching decisions a couple can make is to determine whether to end their marriage or stay together. Of course, every situation is unique, and every decision should be made according to individual circumstances and with consideration of Torah values. 

A wife may demand a divorce if her husband refuses to abide by the ketubah, or the marriage contract. For instance, if he stops being intimate with her or refuses to support her, she can appeal to the bet din and demand a get⁴.

Abusive and controlling behavior are other grounds for a woman demanding a divorce. The range of behavior considered abuse includes physical violence, refusal to allow the wife to visit her parents, and intentionally making her life unpleasant.

From an halachic standpoint, a woman could demand a get if her husband has developed a repulsive habit (in our times, an example would be someone doing illegal drug use) or insists his mother move in without the wife’s permission.

The basic theme running through these situations is a lack of mutual respect and inflicting a state of affairs on the wife without her consent.  

When to Divorce, When to Stay Together

Even though a woman may have grounds to file for divorce and request a get, that doesn’t necessarily mean that she should follow through. In some cases, but not in all, differences between spouses can be resolved through marital counseling. This, of course, doesn’t apply to cases of physical abuse that may pose an immediate danger to the woman. 

Divorce, like serious illness and losing a job, is a catastrophic event. However, both men and women can rebuild their lives and thrive after a divorce 

In fact, many rabbinical courts will require a period of counseling before ruling that a man should give a get. Given the sanctity of marriage, a bet din is reluctant to allow “quickie divorces” although many are compassionate and assist with the giving of the get if it’s established that the marriage is no longer functional. It is worth noting that if both sides agree to a divorce, the bet din will accelerate the process and grant the divorce without asking questions.

If the other party refuses to go to counseling or both participate but the therapy doesn’t bear fruit, the counselor can report to the bet din that there is no cooperation between the husband and wife and can recommend a divorce. 

Is There Jewish Life After Divorce? 

Divorce, like serious illness and losing a job, is a catastrophic event. However, both men and women can rebuild their lives and thrive after a divorce. 

It’s important to seek out communities where you feel supported and where you can connect with other divorced Jewish women. There should be no shame in being divorced, and it’s important to hold your head high and seek mutual support from others who understand what you’ve gone through. 
It takes time to heal after a divorce. However, when the time is right, many shadchanim or Jewish matchmakers are happy to work with divorced clients and can help them build a new family. With hard work and a lot of emuna, blended families and second marriages can succeed.

¹ Bereshit 2:18

² Bereshit 2:20-21

³ Sanhedrin 22a

⁴ Ketubot 7:1-5