The Company That Shapes Us

We like to think we know why we believe what we believe. Our opinions and values seem to be the product of our own thinking: we have considered the issues and reached our own conclusions about what matters and how we want to live. We may readily admit that other people influence what we wear or buy, but when it comes to our character and convictions, we are much more reluctant to give them credit.

Yet consider how quickly our sense of what is normal changes when our surroundings change. Move into a different community or become close to a new group of people, and without anyone sitting us down to persuade us of anything, our standards begin to shift. Things that once seemed unusual start to seem ordinary. We begin caring about things we barely noticed before simply because the people around us take them seriously. Often, we only recognize how much our perspective has changed when we return to an environment we once knew.

The Rambam begins the sixth chapter of Hilchot De’ot with precisely this observation about human nature:

“It is natural for a person’s character and actions to be influenced by his friends and associates, and for him to follow the local norms of behavior” (6:1).

Before telling us whom to befriend or where to live, the Rambam establishes something more fundamental: human beings absorb their surroundings. We do not construct our character privately and then carry it, fully formed, into the world. The world around us participates in forming it.

The Rambam therefore continues:

“Therefore, he should associate with the righteous and be constantly in the company of the wise, so as to learn from their deeds. Conversely, he should keep away from the wicked who walk in darkness, so as not to learn from their deeds. This is [implied by] Shlomo HaMelech’s statement: ‘He who walks with the wise will become wise, while one who associates with fools will suffer’” (Mishlei 13:20).

Notice that Shlomo HaMelech does not say, “He who studies the arguments of the wise will become wise.” He says, “He who walks with the wise.” Simply being among people changes us.

Most of that change does not happen through conscious imitation. No one announces that from now on we should care more about status or spend more money. Instead, the people around us quietly establish what is normal. We hear the way they speak and notice what matters to them. Over time, their assumptions become familiar to us, and what becomes familiar no longer feels like an influence at all.

This is what makes the Rambam’s observation so significant. We like to think that, although other people influence us, there remains an independent part of ourselves that can stand back and decide what we really believe. But we never judge our surroundings from a completely neutral position. The environment in which we live has already influenced what seems normal to us and what we consider important. By the time we stop to ask what kind of life we want to lead, the people around us have already helped shape the perspective from which we answer that question. 

The Rambam’s response is not to tell us to become immune to influence, because being influenced by the people around us is part of human nature. Instead, he tells us to take responsibility for where that influence comes from. If the people around us will leave their mark on us, then choosing our environment is itself part of choosing who we will become.

When we are close to people we respect, we see what their values look like outside the classroom. We notice how they react when something does not go their way, what they make time for, and the standards they bring to ordinary decisions. This may be part of what Shlomo HaMelech means when he says that one who “walks with the wise will become wise.” We do not merely learn from the people around us; over time, we begin to become more like them.

For women especially, this is relevant to many of the decisions we help make within our families. Where will we live, and which school will our children attend? Who will become part of our family’s regular social world? These may seem like separate decisions about housing, education, and friendship, but together they create the environment in which our family lives. In choosing that environment, we are also choosing many of the influences that will shape us and our children. 

The Desire to Belong 

The Ramchal, in Mesillat Yesharim (Chapter 5), takes this idea a step further. If the Rambam tells us that our surroundings shape us, the Ramchal reveals something about why we are so susceptible to their influence.

He identifies bad company as one of the principal forces that weakens a person’s vigilance in serving Hashem:

“Even after the truth of a man’s duty for Divine service and watchfulness of it has been established by him, he becomes lax in it or transgresses certain commandments so that his friends do not mock him or in order to be able to mingle freely in their company.”

What is striking here is that the person has not been persuaded that they are wrong. They know what their obligations are. What changes is their willingness to live by them when doing so sets them apart from everyone else.

There is a powerful human desire to belong. We take our cues from the people around us, and separating ourselves from the group comes at a social cost. A person may therefore compromise something they believe in not because their convictions have changed, but because acting on them would make them stand out. The pressure comes not from a better argument, but from the discomfort of being the one who is different.

The Ramchal then quotes Chazal’s comment on the opening verse of Tehillim:

“Fortunate is the man that walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers” (Tehillim 1:1). Our Sages expounded this: “If he walks, he will eventually stand. If he stood, he will eventually sit” (Avodah Zarah 18b).

The movement from walking to standing and finally sitting captures how this influence takes hold. At first, a person is merely passing through. They still recognize that the values around them are not their own. But continued exposure makes the unfamiliar familiar. The distance they once felt begins to disappear, until eventually they are no longer passing through at all. They have made themselves at home. 

This is why changes in our moral standards are often difficult to detect while they are happening. We rarely wake up one morning and consciously discard a principle we once held. More often, the boundary moves a little at a time. Chazal’s warning is that the first step does not remain the first step. Walking makes standing easier, and standing eventually makes sitting seem perfectly natural. By then, the environment has not necessarily convinced us that our old values were wrong. It has simply changed what feels normal.

The Company We Choose

The same principle that makes negative influences so powerful also explains the value of positive ones. The Rambam does not simply tell us to avoid the wicked; he tells us to seek out the wise. Wisdom is not transmitted only through books or formal teaching. Some things are learned simply by spending enough time around people who live in a way we aspire to.

When we are close to people we respect, we see what their values look like outside the classroom. We notice how they react when something does not go their way, what they make time for, and the standards they bring to ordinary decisions. This may be part of what Shlomo HaMelech means when he says that one who “walks with the wise will become wise.” We do not merely learn from the people around us; over time, we begin to become more like them. Character is formed not only by knowing what is right, but by seeing what is right lived out before us.The Rambam, therefore, asks us to make one of those choices deliberately: whom will we place around ourselves?