Losing Myself in the Crowd: My Arduous Journey Towards Orthodox Judaism

Who am I? Why am I here? 

These were the questions I kept asking myself throughout my religious journey, and I am still attempting to answer them to this day.

For a Baal Teshuva, the journey towards Judaism can be long and hazardous. 

I would like to share my journey of coming closer to Judaism, losing a part of myself in the process and then trying to find myself again. 

I started becoming religious when I saw the beauty in Orthodox Judaism when I was studying in university in London; it very much appealed to me. I was moved by Shabbat dinners, by the intimate family time, by the atmosphere at the table, and by the warmth of the Rabbi I became close to. I found a profound beauty in how he and his family portrayed the world to me. I could also see how Judaism had turned them into exceptional human beings. I had found myself a role model, a Rebbetzin, someone I admire very much. She is an Orthodox Jew and I told myself I was going to be just like her. 

I started keeping halacha slowly but surely and at one point, I moved to Israel to attend a seminary. I was 22, and my eyes were glittering from the thought of building a Torah life in Jerusalem. I didn’t know where my dreams would take me, but I knew I was going on a journey that was helping me find a true part of myself, something I’ve been lacking my whole life. I was ready to embrace everything all at once, and I wanted to be part of Orthodox Judaism. I had one goal : be religious. I also very much wanted to appear religious, to show everyone that this is where I belong. I wanted to forget my secular education, and leave it all behind to fit into Orthodox society in Israel. My dream was to move to Geula and marry a Learning Boy. 

I was very determined with this goal of mine, I was dating learning boys, I had religious friends, mentors, a job that suited my lifestyle. I was convinced that this was going to be my life. I was convinced that Orthodox life in Eretz Israel, far from everything I had known back in Europe, was the right choice for me. 

However, a voice inside of me kept telling me that something wasn’t right. 

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I had a feeling deep inside me, and I couldn’t explain it. It was talking to me, telling me what are you doing? Why are you here? I heard his voice in my head repeatedly. At first, I really didn’t know what to do, and I would just ignore it. As a response, almost like a defense mechanism, I would add some layers of externalism, more tzniut, more stringencies, without asking myself the deeper questions. I felt like doing more was always going to take me closer to God, but this voice kept getting stronger and stronger to the point where I couldn’t silence it anymore. It was constantly in my head, hunting me. 

I eventually started working for a certain organization and my inner struggle grew stronger. I realized that the person I was projecting to be wasn’t the real me. It was especially hard in conversations, I always felt that I didn’t belong and I wasn’t agreeing with what they were saying, but I couldn’t speak up, I couldn’t express my real thoughts. I was afraid and confused. It was like living a double life. I used to go home and I would just think to myself, what are you doing? What is going on with you? What is wrong? 

It all came out one day, very violently. I realized that if I didn’t want to lose it all, I had to make drastic changes, now. 

One day, I was standing at the bus stop in an Orthodox neighborhood in Jerusalem. I was wearing tights like I used to, everyday, even in the summer. I looked down at my legs, I was disgusted, I couldn’t explain why, and I almost pulled off the tights in the middle of the street. I was just screaming from the inside. This event traumatized me very much, and it marked a shift in my mindset. 

It took me a few years to be honest with myself, to not be afraid of what others might say, to look at myself in the mirror and decide once and for all who I was going to be. It took me a few years to speak about my inner struggle, and it will take me a lifetime to balance out the secular and the Orthodox within me

At this point, I didn’t know why I was taking this upon myself anymore . A part of me would say, just leave it all behind, go back to your old life, but again, that voice would come up and say, no, stay, find the courage, there is something for you here. There was something inside me that deeply wanted to be closer to God, and pushed me to reach my true potential. I just didn’t know how to go about it. 

Ultimately, I rose to the challenge. Staying religious is a choice I make everyday. I didn’t leave Judaism behind, on the contrary. 

It took me a few years to be honest with myself, to not be afraid of what others might say, to look at myself in the mirror and decide once and for all who I was going to be. It took me a few years to speak about my inner struggle, and it will take me a lifetime to balance out the secular and the Orthodox within me. These two parts of myself are constantly arguing, they are in an endless struggle. Yet I am convinced that ultimately, they will walk hand in hand in achieving closeness to God.