Why Does a Man Need to Give His Wife a Get?

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Marriage is one of the most sacred unions, and in Judaism marriage plays a central and holy role. In fact, in Jewish texts, we often see Israel compared to a bride and Hashem to a groom, as in Shir HaShirim and many places in the prophets.

One may assume that, given the importance and sacredness of marriage, divorce would be discouraged or even forbidden in Judaism. Far from it. In fact, there is an entire tractate in the Talmud, Gittin, devoted to the topic of divorce.

Obviously, a couple should strive to do everything possible to make their marriage work, but that isn’t possible in all cases and some Jewish couples may find that they have to dissolve their union.

The Source for Allowing Divorce

How do we know for certain that Judaism allows divorce? This passage in Devarim makes it clear that in some cases, a couple must divorce and what must happen to make this divorce official and final.

When a man takes a wife and is intimate with her, and it happens that she does not find favor in his eyes because he discovers in her an unseemly matter, and he writes for her a document of severance, gives it into her hand, and sends her away from his house. She leaves his house and goes and marries another man¹.

In other words, a divorce is completed only when the man hands a bill of divorce to a woman. The bill of divorce is called a get, and there are many details in halacha about what is required for the get to be considered kosher and valid.

However, it may occur to us to ask the question, why is a divorce kosher only when a man hands a get to a woman? Why can’t a woman divorce her husband as well?

The Two Contracts–Ketubah and Get

The answer to this question lies in the marriage contract, or the ketubah, itself. A

ketubah is a contract that stipulates, among other things, the rights and benefits the man owes the woman. Although it’s important for a couple to ensure that their ketubah isn’t damaged or lost, the destruction or loss of a ketubah doesn’t spell the end of a marriage. Instead, the man must present an additional document, a get, to cancel the marriage.

It may seem logical and fair that if a man initiates a contract and makes a commitment, he should be the one to end it. However, a problem can arise in the process of divorce. What if the marriage, in the spiritual and emotional sense, is clearly over and yet the man refuses to give a get?

So we see that since the man initiated the marriage by giving the ketubah, it’s imperative that he is the one who cancels the contract with a get.

And worse, what if a man manipulates the divorce process by intentionally withholding a get to torment a woman, punish her for rejecting him, or if he uses the get as a means to get money and property from the woman and her family?

The Problem of the Agunah

A woman whose husband won’t give a get is called an agunah, or a chained woman. If a woman is still “chained” to a non-functioning marriage, she can’t marry anyone else unless her husband gives her a get, formally divorces, and releases her.

When the issue of the agunah is discussed today, it’s usually a situation in which the man is intentionally withholding a divorce to hurt or manipulate the woman². It should be emphasized that this behavior is forbidden according to Jewish law.

It should be noted that in many cases, women can refuse to accept the get. Since men can’t remarry in that case and they also aren’t allowed to have two wives, a man can also become chained in the marriage. According to Rabbi David Lau, current Chief Rabbi of Israel, statistics³ in Beit Din today show that there are as many men whose wives refuse to accept the get as there are women whose husbands won’t grant a divorce.

Traditionally, Torah sages have denounced in the strongest terms men who withhold a get to cause a woman torment or to force her to concede property. Maimonides and others recommended certain penalties and have allowed pressure to be placed on men who refuse to give a get⁴.

However, the problem of the agunah can’t be solved by absolutely unilaterally granting a divorce or forcing the man to give a get, since the get must be given by the man out of his own free will.

What to Do to Avoid Being an Agunah

Many of the Torah commentaries are quite compassionate concerning the plight of the agunah, and in some cases, a man who refuses to give a get after much time has passed can be put in cherem, or not counted in a minyan until he agrees to divorce his wife.

There are a number of things women can do to avoid becoming an agunah. Some communities encourage couples to sign a halachic prenup, with provisions discouraging men from withholding a get. Those who are already married can still sign a halachic prenup.

In addition, there are a number of legal services in Israel designed to help women who are agunot or are having difficulty with their divorce proceedings. The Center for Women’s Justice and Yad L’isha are two organizations that can provide advice and representation.

Marriage at its best can be the holiest aspect of Jewish life. However, Judaism is a compassionate religion that recognizes that marriages can’t always work. Although it’s recommended that couples seek shalom bayit counseling before ending their marriage, particularly if they have children, no one should be forced to remain in a marriage against their will. That’s why it’s essential for all married couples to review the laws of marriage, gittin and understand their obligations.

¹ Deuteronomy 24:1-2.

² It could also refer to a woman who’s husband is lost or who’s body cannot be found, especially in the context of warfare. This is however not the focus of this article.

³ שו”ע אבה”ע ס’ קיט סעיף ו ברמ”א Shulchan Aruch Even HaEzer 119:6 Rama

⁴ Maimonides, Laws of Divorce 2:20; see also Code of Jewish Law, Even Ha’ezer 154:21.