With Fire in Her Soul: The Power of Candle-Lighting

Two silver candlesticks stand proudly at the centre of the table; flickering with warmth and holiness, inviting the regal presence of the Shabbat queen. Two flames; one symbolising the husband and the other, his wife…

Six days a week, we live in darkness. We stumble around in exile, sometimes in confusion, trying to make the right decisions in life without clarity. On Shabbat, the woman switches the light on. Suddenly, we can see. Suddenly, we can learn. Suddenly, we can love. The Jewish woman brings the light of Shabbat into the home, allowing her family to truly live and bask in the spiritual glow of the day. Just as the woman ignites the flames of Shabbat, so too does she ignite the souls of her family. She provides the oxygen for the candles, creating the environment in which they can thrive. This represents how she provides the spiritual oxygen for the souls of her family, to allow them to ignite. 

The Jewish woman creates this environment through fostering her own love of Torah and mitzvot, which spreads and captures the attention of her husband and children. The Satmar Rebbe wrote that there is no more fitting time for a woman to don her jewelry than by candle-lighting. As she stands by the glow of her candles, her face reflecting their radiance, bedecked in her Shabbat finery, there is no more special moment in her week than these precious moments before sundown.

The Zohar tells us that the Jewish woman should light her candles filled with love for her husband. She is not merely lighting a candle, she is lighting her husband’s soul. As the verse says, נֵ֣ר ה’ נִשְׁמַ֣ת אָדָ֑ם (Mishlei 20:27), ‘The candle of G-d is the soul of man.’ The candle is the soul. The husband and wife both bring passion, both bring the fire of their candles into the marriage. We see this in the Hebrew language as both the word for man/ איש and the word for woman/אשה contain the word fire/אש. The term for man contains a י/yud and the term for woman contains a ה/heh which together form one of the names of Hashem. When both husband and wife channel their fire for the sake of Hashem, their marriage thrives. When they take the name of Hashem out of their marriage, they are left with a destructive fire, which burns. 

Significantly, the Chofetz Chaim points out that what makes a marriage destructive are the two letters (אש) which are the same in both the man and the woman. What makes the marriage beautiful are the presence of the two letters which are different (י-ה). Our husband’s fire is different; he has different dreams, different ideals, different passions. When we embrace that which our husband brings into the home, which is different to what we bring, then we merit a beautiful, wholesome marriage. 

When we make a birthday cake for our children and we decorate it with their favourite-coloured icing and fill it with special vanilla cream, we are sending them this same message: you matter. This is the message of the Shabbat candles; the table is laid, the candles are lit. We are telling Hashem that we are ready; He matters to us and we value spending time with Him. Just as the woman creates this honourable atmosphere for Shabbat, we also carry over this honour to our spouse

Candle-lighting is a propitious time to pray. Some have the custom to wash their hands before they light, as a symbol of preparation for this holy time and others give charity. We pray that our husband and children should follow the path of the Torah and grow in their service of Hashem. If we were to ask one of our Torah greats how they merited to become one of the nation’s leaders, they would answer, ‘the tears my mother shed for my Torah learning by the candles.’ It is these holy tears which pierce the skies and water the yearning souls of our husband and children. Our children are there when we beseech Hashem for the things most close to our heart; their success in Torah and fear of Heaven. They watch our lips move, hear our Heavenly whispers and see our tear-soaked Tehillim (Psalms). When they know that their success in avodat Hashem (service of Hashem) is our deepest wish, it inspires them to actualise their potential and grow up to be the tzaddikim and tzidkaniyot, the holy men and women of our dreams. Many have the custom to add a candle to their candelabra as each child is born. What message does this send our children? It tells them that there is a dark space in this world that only they can illuminate. It tells them that when they were born, more light came into the world..

One of the primary reasons for lighting the Shabbat candles is kavod shabbat, which means honouring Shabbat. This idea translates beautifully into our relationship with our husband. Honouring someone means that they are important in your eyes, they matter. In Hebrew, the word for honour/כבוד is related to the adjective כבד/heavy. When we give honour to someone, we are telling them that they have weight in our eyes. They are valuable. One of the ways we show honour is through preparation. When guests arrive at our house for dinner and the table is beautifully set with fine silver cutlery, laid out with exquisite dishes, the guests feel important. We send them the message, ‘I was thinking of you.’ 

When we make a birthday cake for our children and we decorate it with their favourite-coloured icing and fill it with special vanilla cream, we are sending them this same message: you matter. This is the message of the Shabbat candles; the table is laid, the candles are lit. We are telling Hashem that we are ready; He matters to us and we value spending time with Him. Just as the woman creates this honourable atmosphere for Shabbat, we also carry over this honour to our spouse. We can emulate this practice and show our husband throughout the week, ‘I was thinking of you, you have weight in my eyes.’ We can buy his favourite dessert, cook his favourite meal. Whatever he would appreciate. 

Night, explains the Ohel Rachel, is a time of separation. We bump into things in the night because we cannot see clearly. In the dark, everything is fragmented like separate pieces of a puzzle. Conversely, in the daytime, we can see everything clearly. Light is goodness and unity where we can see all the pieces as part of a greater whole. When we light the candles on Friday night, we commit to seeing the world with light. We see the whole picture with all the fragmented pieces joined as one. When we feel frustrated, it is always because we are choosing to look with darkness. We are looking at a fragment of the picture and not looking at it as a unified whole. We can choose how we see. We can choose where to put our candle. 

We can look with darkness, at the fragments of our life: ‘My husband is so messy…’ ‘My husband isn’t home enough…’ ‘My husband is too lenient with the kids…’ Or we could look with light, with the illumination of the Shabbat candles. We could zoom out and look at the whole picture and see how the strengths and weaknesses of our spouse are all part of a greater puzzle. We could choose to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. We could choose to trip over chairs and tables in the darkness, or we could choose to view the world with light. May the light of the Shabbat candles purify our vision and fill our homes with peace. 

Inspired by Rav Boruch Leff and Mrs Shanny Gejerman on ‘Ohel Rachel’