Something from Nothing: Finding Hashem Through Infertility

Looking back at my past IVF treatments, I am reminded of the book I read as a child, Something from Nothing. 

The book tells of a little boy, Joseph, whose grandfather shows him a beautiful blanket. As Joseph gets older and outgrows the blanket, his grandfather, a tailor, is always on hand to rework it into a coat, a vest, a handkerchief, and finally, a button. But when the button gets lost and Joseph is left with nothing, he is forced to use his own creativity and eventually turns the events into a story.

Fertility treatment takes on different forms: injections and pills; blood tests and ultrasounds; acupuncture and yoga; healthy eating and rest; and sometimes, emergency room visits and hospitalizations. Ultimately though, it would seem that all of the “somethings” come to nothing when a cycle fails. 

Each time that happens- each time the weeks of medications, monitoring, time, money, energy, hope, and prayer come to an end, I am faced with the option of sinking into my disappointment and pain or searching for meaning. 

Something that has caught my attention is the significance of the Hebrew dates surrounding my treatments. My first egg retrieval fell out just before Shabbat Parashat Shemot, which tells how the Jewish People were fruitful and multiplied in Egypt, and the following pregnancy test fell out on my grandfather’s first yahrzeit.

Since then, I have had nine egg retrievals, embryo transfers, pregnancy tests, and a miscarriage fall out on the fasts of Esther, 17 Tammuz, 9 Av, 10 Tevet, and other significant dates on the Jewish calendar.

Especially meaningful was a pregnancy test which fell out between the yahrzeits of Rav Mordechai Eliyahu and the Lubavitcher Rebbe, which are several days apart. Both figures have been spiritual mentors for my husband and me since our late teens, and have influenced the evolution of our relationship, lifestyle, and worldview. For the first time in nearly eight years of marriage, we got a positive result. The pregnancy unfortunately ended but we received tremendous encouragement from knowing it was possible.

When I pushed myself further to look at the situation creatively, I found that each treatment did not dissolve into nothingness but rather brought my attention to a different insight or lesson. 

To me, these were hints that Someone was watching over us and planning every detail of our journey. When I pushed myself further to look at the situation creatively, I found that each treatment did not dissolve into nothingness but rather brought my attention to a different insight or lesson. 

I began writing as a way of coping and found it to be healing and empowering, with my pen or keyboard becoming the key to unlock the lessons tucked away along my path. I held the power to introspect, interpret, and give meaning to my experiences, and to reorient failure towards spiritual and emotional growth.

The lesson I took away from my first IVF treatment in 2015, which was when I first jotted down a few lines that I titled “Something from Nothing,” was that parallel to the ways in which I communicate with G-d- by keeping halacha, praying, and trying to do good by others and seek out the good in every situation- He communicates back to me. 

Having treatment milestones so often coincide with spiritually auspicious (or inauspicious) times reminds me that while IVF can feel both incredibly calculated and completely random, the results are not determined by science or nature, but by G-d alone. And witnessing my ability to use my challenges to refine my character- by enhancing my sensitivity and resilience, and choosing to focus on the positive in the context of a seemingly negative situation- helps me understand that whatever G-d decides is ultimately for my benefit. 

Living with the awareness that everything is from G-d and for the best is one of the primary goals of Avodat Hashem, and everyone faces tailor-made challenges to help them reach that conclusion. Of course, I still hope and pray for the blessing of biological children. In the meantime though, I find comfort and strength in the knowledge that each step of my journey has been lovingly and meticulously planned to bring out the best in me.