Forgiveness Lessons from the Story of Yosef

Forgiveness and teshuva (repentance) are the focal points of the months of Elul and Tishrei. Tishrei is marked by the Yamim Noraim, and Elul before it constitutes the last opportunities to make things right for the previous year. That said, forgiveness is not always straightforward. The model story in the Chumash for repentance and forgiveness is that of Yosef and his brothers. Using this narrative, we can delve into the intricacies of forgiveness and see how we can learn practical lessons.

The three components¹ for forgiveness are mechila, selicha, and kappara. Mechila is the process of forgiving another person’s sins towards you, selicha is the act of forgiveness in one’s heart towards the sinner, and kappara is the atonement for the sinner. While mechila and selicha are separate processes, they do act in tandem. Mechila, according to the Rambam², is not an obligation on the part of the offended party unless they truly feel that the sinner is earnest in their plea for forgiveness. If the offended person does feel this way, then the Rambam holds that they must offer mechila to the sinner – at this point, it is an obligation. Selicha tends to be a by-product of this process. To understand that the sinner is human and flawed will often (though certainly not always) lead the offended person to feel some level of forgiveness towards them.

It is vital to note that in none of the above cases is the sinner absolved of the sin itself, that is what kappara is for. This level of atonement, to wipe the sin from the sinner’s soul, is only possible through Hashem. This is difficult emotionally, as both the guilty and offended party may always remember the sin, even after earnest teshuva and forgiveness. In the story of Yosef and his brothers, we see all aspects of the forgiveness process at play, as well as the reality that even when a sin is forgiven, uncomfortable feelings and doubts may linger.

The story of Yosef and his brothers is interesting because the Torah presents a very raw, authentic account of what happens when someone wrongs another and then tries to make that right. In many instances, we don’t see Yosef and his brothers take the high road, despite being tzaddikim. We see Yosef put his brothers through spiritual and mental anguish, just so that he can see for himself that they are truly sorry for what they did to him. From the brothers, we see a collective guilty conscience that has clearly plagued them for years, one that even when forgiven, can’t trust that that forgiveness is true, perhaps because they never ultimately forgave themselves. 

There are a number of lessons that we can take from the story of Yosef and his brothers. Firstly, life is not a fairytale. When we hurt others, we alter their lives. Perhaps not as drastically as Yosef’s brothers altered his, but altered nevertheless. What’s more, this altering isn’t always all bad. Granted, this will often depend on the perspective of the offended party and their level of emunah, but the truth is that we are all (free) agents of Hashem’s will – He decides the destination, and we decide the route. If Hashem’s will is for someone to end up in a position of success, then they will. The fact that the route to that success was brought about by wrongdoing on another person’s part is an unfortunate (and needless) complication of that journey. 

Secondly, as the wrongdoer, teshuva can be just as hard and as ugly as the sin committed. We learn this directly from Yosef’s brothers, who at the first sight of difficulty in their journey in Egypt, immediately attributed their misfortune to their sin against Yosef. The Mishna in Bava Kamma writes, “Despite the fact that the assailant who caused damage gives to the victim all of the required payments for the injury, his transgression is not forgiven for him in the heavenly court until he requests forgiveness from the victim”.³ From here we can see that the brothers were correct in their thinking. They may have acted in a proper fashion every day since the selling of Yosef, but since they never had the opportunity to request forgiveness from him, they knew that the sin still hung over their heads for all those years. And this was doubly proven insofar as Yosef was punishing them.

This leads to the third lesson, related to the offended party. Ironically, even though the offended party was slighted, they become the one who holds the power in this dynamic. The spiritual fate of the sinner lies with the decision of the one they harmed. Because this can become such a fraught position for a person to be in, there are various halachot in place to govern the process of forgiveness. 

There are a number of lessons that we can take from the story of Yosef and his brothers. Firstly, life is not a fairytale. When we hurt others, we alter their lives. Perhaps not as drastically as Yosef’s brothers altered his, but altered nevertheless. What’s more, this altering isn’t always all bad. Granted, this will often depend on the perspective of the offended party and their level of emunah, but the truth is that we are all (free) agents of Hashem’s will – He decides the destination, and we decide the route. If Hashem’s will is for someone to end up in a position of success, then they will.

The first two related halachot are to not hold a grudge⁴ and to not hate a fellow Jew in your heart⁵. According to a number of mefarshim, this matter is practically demonstrated in confronting the sinner about what they did to you. The Ohr HaChaim⁶ points out that “a grudge is defined as repaying a hateful act with a kind act pointing out, however, that one is morally superior to the person who committed the hateful act.” 

The next related halacha is that if the sinner earnestly asks for forgiveness, the offended party must forgive them. The tricky part of this is that it is up to the offended party to determine whether or not the sinner is, in fact, earnest in his request. When ascertaining this information, we get an interesting green light from the Torah based on Yosef’s actions. Yosef deceived, framed, and caused great mental anguish to his brothers in the name of determining their true feelings, and not once is he rebuked for this. The mefarshim don’t even comment on Yosef’s methods. From this, we can see the lengths that we are, perhaps, allowed to go to, but we should also trust our own intuition. It is usually never necessary to put a sinner through emotional turmoil to satiate our curiosity.

The Rambam writes that “When the person who wronged him asks for forgiveness, he should forgive him with a complete heart and a willing spirit.”⁷ and that “the person who refuses to grant forgiveness is the one considered as the sinner.”⁸ Very quickly, the scales can change if we do not forgive when we are asked to. 

Neither the Torah nor the mefarshim detail how to truly know when someone is earnest in their request for forgiveness, probably because there really is no way of knowing for certain. The only One who knows what is truly in someone’s heart is Hashem. And maybe we would be justified in going to extreme lengths to find out, like Yosef did, but at the end of the day, justification is not the same as endorsement.

If we trust that the person asking for our forgiveness is earnest, we shouldn’t delay in granting it to them. This time only allows for the Yetzer Hara to plant seeds of doubt and encourage us to take actions that we would never normally take. We need to forgive as we want to be forgiven and, in turn, Hashem will treat us the same way.

1. Tomer Devorah ↩︎
2. Mishne Torah, “Hilchot Chovel u-Mazzik”, 5:10 ↩︎
3. Bava Kamma 92a ↩︎
4. Vayikra 19:18 ↩︎
5. Vayikra 19:17 ↩︎
6.  Ohr HaChaim on Vayikra 19:18 ↩︎
7. Mishneh Torah, Repentance, 2:10 ↩︎
8. Mishneh Torah, Repentance, 2:9 ↩︎