Getting Through Grief from a Torah Perspective

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Death. Heartache. Loss. Grief is not the easiest subject to broach, but it is one that creeps into many people’s lives, whether we expect it or not. It is unfortunately a very timely subject for our people at the moment. It comes in different forms and can strike young and old alike. While painful for all, the anguish associated with sorrow affects each of us in very different ways. And how we cope with grief, often determines how likely we can get through it.

For nearly a decade, I worked as a clinical social worker in a medical setting. Almost all the patients I saw were dealing with loss, in one form or another. Loss of a loved one. Loss of independence. Loss of bodily functioning. As I was taught in graduate school, most of these people went through one or more of the five stages of grief developed by psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

In denial, a person might deny the loss in order to endure the emotional pain. In the stage of anger, a person may express anger at themselves, the lost loved one, the doctors, family, or others in an attempt to release the pent up heartache. Bargaining refers to the stage where one might bargain with G-d that they will change if He just heals someone or helps someone get better. Depression, which can be the longest stage, is the period of sadness, where a person begins to realize the reality, and the grief becomes more tangible. The final stage is acceptance, where a person may still feel sad, but comes to accept the reality of the situation.

Interestingly, many studies have shown people with deep religious or spiritual beliefs cope better with grief. In fact, we can even see from instances in the Torah, how figures from Tanach manage bereavement. When our matriarch, Sarah, dies it says:

And Avraham came to eulogize Sarah and to cry for her (Chayei Sarah 23:2)

In the Torah, the letter כ appears smaller than the rest of the letters in the word ולבכתה to indicate that Avraham cried for Sarah, but only a little. Sarah lived for 127 years—a long, full life, yet Avraham didn’t grieve too long. He eulogizes his wife, highlighting all her wonderful attributes and after he buries her, the Parsha moves onto him sending off Eliezer to find a wife for Yitzchak, and later Avraham even remarries. Unlike the modern stages of grief outlined above, Avraham seems to bypass all stages and go straight to acceptance. Sadness, yes. But no anger, denial, bargaining, or depression. Despite her death, he moves forward with his life.

Now let’s take a look at Yaakov. When he thinks his son Yosef has been devoured by a beast, he tears his clothes, puts on a sackcloth, and mourns for many days. The Torah says:

All his sons and all his daughters got up to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. And he said: ‘and I will go to the grave mourning over my son.’ (Vayeshev 37:35).

Rashi says that Yaakov mourned for Yosef for twenty-two years, until they were finally reunited. In this instance, it seems that Yaakov is stuck in depression and sadness over the loss of his son. But though he admits that he cannot be comforted, his depression doesn’t control his life. We still see Yaakov making decisions at home, when he sends his sons to Egypt to buy food during the famine. He has the will to live and takes the necessary preparations to ensure the wellbeing of himself and his family.

Finally, let’s look at the death of Moshe Rabbeinu.

The Children of Israel wept for Moshe…thirty days; then ended the days of weeping, the mourning for Moshe (Vezot Habracha 34:8).

After 120 years, the greatest leader of the Jewish people, Moshe Rabbeinu, dies and the people mourn for him for thirty days. Reminiscent of the modern Jewish mourning period of the initial thirty days, the people cry for a prescribed period of time and then seem to conclude their bereavement period. The pasuk that follows states that Yehoshua “was filled with the spirit of wisdom because Moshe had laid his hands upon him.” Yehoshua finds the strength and spirit within himself to get up from mourning for his teacher and take on his new role as leader. While the grief appears understated in this episode, it seems to me that Yehoshua took the teachings of Moshe and used everything he learned to move forward. He didn’t have the time to stay saddened, because there was so much yet to be done to help the Jewish people enter into a new land.

In each of these episodes, we can see different approaches to dealing with grief, but they all have a couple very distinct similarities. None of these instances describe the modern stages of denial, anger, or bargaining. That’s not to say that Klal Yisrael as a whole doesn’t go through these phases. In the highlighted examples, the righteous individuals certainly feel sad, yet only for a limited amount of time. Judaism understands that while pain and mourning are inevitable, it urges you to move on and not get caught in your sorrow. We also see that although there is sadness, they never let it take complete control. Their depression doesn’t make them feel life is not worth living. They continue to live and fulfill the rest of their life goals.

Grief is part of the life cycle, but it doesn’t have to be the end of it. I used to tell my patients that grief is not something we get over. The loss will always be there. But it is something we can learn to get through. Like Avraham, Yaakov, and Yehoshua, we can approach death or loss in our own way. That’s okay. Some stages might be more challenging than others. Many of us might need additional support or therapy. That’s okay too. But like the aforementioned tzadikim, in order to get through grief, we need to be able to get to a place where we can continue to find meaning and purpose in our lives, despite the loss. While we might not be at the level of Avraham, Yaakov, or Yehoshua, we can all gain insight from them. We can learn that it’s normal to feel sad, to mourn, to cry. It’s also normal to accept loss, learn from our loved ones, and use what we’ve discovered to move ourselves forward and fulfill our mission in life like those before us.