Simchat Torah: Happy Wife, Happy Life!

There’s a good story circulating, which historians claim is likely untrue but still makes a good point. While serving as England’s Minister of the Treasury, before becoming the Prime Minister, Winston Churchill was walking with his wife, Clementine, when he noticed that she was no longer by his side. She had stopped to talk to a street cleaner and was engaged in conversation for a lengthy period of time. When she returned to her husband, Churchill asked why she talked to the stranger for so long.  She explained that it was someone she dated in the past, noting that “Many years ago he was madly in love with me.” Churchill said, “So you could have been the wife of a street sweeper today,” to which she responded, “Not exactly. If I had married him, he would have been the Minister of the Treasury today.”

The adage, “Behind every man is a great woman” begs the question, does the woman really make the man? The Talmud cites Rabbi Tanhum, who quotes Rabbi Hanilai, who said that a man who lives without a wife lives without blessing, goodness, and true joy¹. And the Torah teaches, “Before Hashem you shall rejoice, you and your household”², which refers to a man having joy when he has a wife. When one lacks the happiness that comes with finding one’s life partner, it also impacts the success of other areas of life.

Joy is at the foundation of Judaism, and there is an emphasis on serving Hashem with happiness (Ivdu et hashem b’simcha) and performing the great mitzva of being happy (mitzva gedola lehiyot b’simcha). We are particularly aware of simcha this time of year, as Sukkot is often referred to as Zman Simchateinu, a time of bliss. Yet as it transitions into the holiday of Simchat Torah, many single women find it difficult to maintain a high level of happiness.

Simchat Torah focuses on the centralism and joy of Torah. Often, on this day, a void is felt by single women who enviously watch the Torah be revered and honored by men, while these women await being the center of attention from a man, their future husband. It is a challenging day for single women who don’t have a husband to watch, as he circles and dances around the Torah. And making it even harder for single women is the Simchat Torah practice of Kol Nearim in many synagogues, when all the children are brought under a raised Talit for an Aliya to the Torah. For those who long to marry and raise a family, this can be excruciatingly painful to watch and many prefer to sit at home alone, unable to experience the joy that this holiday is supposed to exude.

The second Sochatchover Rebbe, Rav Shmuel Bornsztain, wrote that true joy, simcha, is when one feels fulfilled by the completion of being united with their soulmate³. Single women could argue that being a nurturing and devoted wife is not the only way someone can feel the happiness of fulfillment; doing acts of Chesed can provide a sense of contentment too. Indeed, scientific studies indicate that giving to others through acts of benevolence or kindness releases endorphins in your body, which increase positive feelings and result in a greater sense of happiness⁴. Long before this discovery was made in biological research, Torah scholars already had identified the relationship between internal happiness and giving to others. For example, in the 1200s, Rav Yaakov ben Ashur, known as the Baal HaTurim, noted that the verse “And you should rejoice with all the goodness that Hashem has given you”⁵, found in the Torah portion discussing tithing of the first fruit, teaches us that when we give to others, that brings us true happiness.   

As we watch the joy being celebrated on Simchat Torah, it is an opportunity to internalize the idea of selfless giving. Single women contribute so much to the world around them, by volunteering for Chesed organizations or using their free time to help family and friends. Unfortunately, sometimes, that sense of fulfillment they achieve in their unmarried days can be distorting the approach to marriage. Volunteering with sick children, cancer patients, or community events and other charitable causes may have greater appeal than some of the giving of a wife to her spouse: endless laundry, cleaning, cooking, and verbal and emotional support.

This can lead women to focus on receiving fulfillment from someone, and drive the search for a potential mate who will provide enough fulfillment in marriage for her to give up the comforts and success she currently has, such as a job she loves or being geographically close to family and friends. But the lesson of Simchat Torah is about the foundation of happiness from the Jewish perspective: what we give to others, not what we will gain for ourselves.

Women are empowered with tremendous greatness to give. We have high levels of spirituality, intuition, communication, wisdom, and natural abilities and skills to provide support and reinforcement to her spouse. Rebbitzen Tziporah Heller-Gottlieb⁶ compares women to the base of the candle and men to the flame. While the flame seems to be the most important and powerful part of a candle because of the light it gives off, a flame cannot exist without the candle base that holds the wick in place. Without the vital candle, the flame will be extinguished.

We learn in Pirkei Avot that the greater the effort, the greater the reward. A focus in dating on what you can offer and what you can give is more important than judging prospective dates on what they offer you. And as you face the challenge of the Simchat Torah holiday and undertake efforts to be joyous as Hashem desires, may He reward you for your efforts. In this new year, He should expedite introducing you to your bashert so you can together serve Hashem and build a beautiful home filled with simcha. And as a married woman, when you light the Shabbat candles, remember your role as a strong and capable woman being a helpmate to your husband.

¹ Yevamot, 62b

² Deuteronomy, 14:26.

³ Shem Mi’Shmuel (his collection of books written between 1910 and 1926).

⁴ Dsouza, et al., “Biological Connection to the Feeling of Happiness.” Journal of Clinical & Diagnostic Research 14.10 (2020).

⁵ Deuteronomy, 26:11, as noted in The Stone Edition of the Artscroll Chumash.

⁶ Tziporah Heller, More Precious Than Pearls, Feldheim Publishers, 1994.