Sukkot: Dating Lessons in Vulnerability and Unity

On Sukkot, we leave the security of our homes and move into a temporary dwelling, bestowing on it the trust and confidence of a permanent residence. While we may garnish it with beautiful adornments, it remains a hut, usually with fragile roofing and flimsy walls. In this Sukkot abode, we are expected to eat, study Torah, socialize, and, for some, sleep, exposed to the vulnerability of unreliable shelter and representing our need to depend solely on Hashem.

It is similar for those searching for a permanent partner in the shidduch arena. Singles must maintain steady faith as they leave their comfort zone and allow themselves to be vulnerable. Whether in the sukkah or on a date, it is important to remember you are not alone; Hashem is always guarding and protecting you.

Sukkot enables us to show Hashem that even under challenging circumstances, such as extreme weather or other factors, we remain committed. We exert great efforts to eat in the sukkah, even when we are sweltering from the sun, freezing in the cold, or dripping wet from rain. This, too, is a good lesson for shidduchim. When you are enjoying spending time with someone who offers good conversation, is pleasant to look at, and shares your values, it’s easy to be optimistic and excited about the possibility. But as your relationship develops and you learn about new defects, have to consider relocating, or other bumps in the road arise, don’t give up or get frustrated. If there is a strong foundation, it is worthwhile to work through those challenges, just like we show Hashem with our sukkah.

On Sukkot, we are accompanied by the four species: etrog, lulav, hadassim, and aravot. We take these four specimens of nature and raise them from a materialistic to spiritual level. Likewise in dating, we should be focusing on building a relationship with spiritual goals. Sure, we want a spouse who will partner with us on a lifelong journey that includes emotional, physical, and even materialistic aspects. But marriage is about more than that. We want to find the person who is the proper spiritual match for us in matters Bein Adam Lamakom and Bein Adam Lechaveiro.

The Midrash¹ teaches us that each one of the Four Species represents a different type of person:

·       The lulav is from a tree that produces fruit with good taste but does not have a scent. This reflects the person who may learn Torah but does not prioritize performing the good acts and deeds taught in it.

·       The etrog is a fruit that has both a good taste and scent, which reflects the Jews who learn Torah and perform the good acts and deeds taught in it.

·       Hadassim have a good scent but are without a taste, representing the people who do not learn Torah but perform good acts and deeds.

·       Aravot have no scent or taste, reflecting Jews who neither learn Torah nor act properly.

When seeking a marriage partner, each of us can choose from among the “four species”, selecting a spouse who matches our own perspective of what acting properly or doing a good deed means. Some women want a spouse who will spend time trying to save the world, including volunteering for every Chesed organization and bringing home a million guests for Shabbos meals. Others would rather have a spouse who just writes checks to organizations instead of investing time and energy. Some prefer a mate who works behind the scenes, doing Chesed or giving big donations quietly and without fanfare, in contrast to those seeking a partner who wants his name on buildings and in the organizational newsletters.

The beauty of a Jewish soulmate, as we learn from the four species, is that there is no one-size-fits-all bashert and no right or wrong for you according to what other people decide for themselves. There is variety that offers you the opportunity to choose based on personal preference. Select for yourself a spouse who has the good deeds and Torah learning to offer the lifestyle you want for yourself and your future family.  

Likewise, each woman should choose a spouse who sets aside time to learn Torah according to a  quantity of time you can accept. You may want someone who learns Torah every day, while others will find once a week is sufficient. The beauty of a Jewish soulmate, as we learn from the four species, is that there is no one-size-fits-all bashert and no right or wrong for you according to what other people decide for themselves. There is variety that offers you the opportunity to choose based on personal preference. Select for yourself a spouse who has the good deeds and Torah learning to offer the lifestyle you want for yourself and your future family.  

From the building of the sukkah to the blessing on the four species, Sukkot reminds us to leave materialism behind and seek more meaning in our day-to-day lives. Do not get distracted by superficial or materialistic aspects of a potential spouse, but rather look at his values, and find a partner who will support your religious growth and share in your avodat Hashem.

When we use the Four Species on Sukkot, we are instructed by the Shulchan Aruch that these diverse specimens must be held together in both hands as we make the bracha. This highlights how spiritual observance can strengthen unity among the Jewish nation, no matter how diverse each Jew is. As we transition towards greater spiritual growth between man and Hashem this Sukkot, it is also an opportunity for initiating greater unity among our fellow Jews.  Think about the singles, widows and widowers, or divorced people who may be alone, and who may not even have a sukkah. Invite them for a holiday meal. And if you are unmarried, do not wait for someone to call you. Call them and ask if you can join. Sometimes, people are distracted by their Sukkot holiday planning and have unintentionally procrastinated calling to extend an invitation, but they would love to have you join them.

This is the time for people to come together, overcome vulnerabilities, and demonstrate unity towards greater spiritual heights, just like we do when in the Sukkah, holding the Four Species together.

¹  Vayikra Rabbah, 32:12.