Malchut and the Evolution of Marriage Throughout the Ages

In ancient times, marriages were largely familial arrangements for purposes of economic and political stability.  From royal houses to village peasants, everyone sought to solidify alliances and perpetuate families who could uphold a livelihood and ensure continuity. A marriage was effectively an exchange of goods, an agreement that benefitted each side for their own purposes. Women, in particular, were dependent on such arrangements for their support, safety and survival. 

As the world progresses toward individualism and independence, the original structure of marriage shifts. This change is in accordance with Torah values, as a relationship built from two fully independent people is really the ideal Torah relationship. In this article, we will explore how Jewish marriage comports with the evolution of women, and humankind at large.

Progression of the Partzufim

In the initial creation story told in the first chapter of Bereishit, Hashem made the first human, “zachar u’nekeiva bara otam – male and female he created them.” The Midrash famously explains: “Rabbi Yirmeya ben Elazar said: When the Holy One blessed be He created Adam the first man, He created him androgynous. That is what is written: “He created them male and female.“ Rabbi Shmuel bar Naḥman said: When Hakadosh Baruch Hu created Adam Harishon, He created him with two faces, and [subsequently] He sawed him in two and made [for] him two backs, a back here and a back there.”¹

The Malbim tells us that wherever the name Adam is used by the Torah or Chazal, it refers to both the male and female². It is not until chapter two, after Hashem declares that “it is not good that Adam be alone”, that we discover how Hashem created Chava from Adam’s side³. From that point, they are referred to as Ish and Isha, man and woman. Only in pursuit of a relationship did humankind devolve into two independent and autonomous beings, separated so they can pursue a relationship with each other.

Leadership exists in two modes. One is the top-down, forcible enforcement of a leader. It operates through control and power dynamics. That is memshala. Malchut is another kind of kingship, a model whereby the king’s qualification is his moral code. He teaches the people about right and wrong, and through their acceptance of and commitment to his teachings, he has effectively been crowned king. 

As two faces of that single androgynous being, Adam and Chava had been deeply connected, truly one being. Yet, in seeking to ensure man is “not alone”, Hashem saw it necessary to split them apart, so they can choose to come back together – this time, face to face. The purpose of the separation was the eventual frontal reunification, as the pasuk immediately goes on to say: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh…”⁴

This narrative is the paradigm of the ultimate marriage through the ages. It teaches us that human beings need to stand independent in order to achieve unity in coming back together. It demonstrates that the free choice in dedicating ourselves in marriage is necessary to achieve the purpose of a Torah union: total commitment and oneness. 

Union of Malchut

The pursuit of the ultimate union is played out in the progression of the sefirot, culminating in the ultimate, perfected relationship, the level of malchut. The archetype of such a marriage is the relationship of Boaz and Ruth in Megilat Ruth. That faultless union produced David Hamelech, who was the forebearer of Mashiach and will herald the era of Hashem’s ultimate kingship in this world. 

What is malchut, kingship, true royalty? What sets it apart from memshala, dominance? 

Leadership exists in two modes. One is the top-down, forcible enforcement of a leader. It operates through control and power dynamics. That is memshala. Malchut is another kind of kingship, a model whereby the king’s qualification is his moral code. He teaches the people about right and wrong, and through their acceptance of and commitment to his teachings, he has effectively been crowned king. 

In malchut, there is neither force nor necessity. It develops organically, through demonstration of an ethical roadmap that people choose to pursue of their own accord. It represents the apex of completion because all the parts fell into place completely uncoerced. 

A relationship where each party is dependent on the other is a sub-par union. It is forever tarnished by the necessity that created the relationship, and its potential is hindered by the fears that brought it about. A malchut marriage, on the other hand, is the true unification of two complete, autonomous, fully expressed humans, who of their free will chose to invest everything they have achieved into their relationship, out of love and dedication.This is the meaning of a face-to-face relationship: two fully developed, totally conscious people who dedicate their lives entirely to each other. 

In a malchut relationship, there is no coercion and no competition. There is also no shame, because absolute acceptance translates to being thoroughly seen for all our parts and faults. A malchut relationship is devolved and honed, bit by loving bit, until a new entity develops that appears to come from nowhere and yet was there all along.

Such a relationship expresses the tachlit of the world, the pinnacle achievement for each party involved that somehow produces an entirely new creation. In a pre-malchut marriage, each partner shows up to give what they have and receive what they don’t, an exchange of goods that satisfies the needs of each partner, respectively. In a malchut relationship, the goal is a third agenda altogether, the shared pursuit of a union that is bigger than the sum of the parts. 

Being Fully, Giving Fully

Showing up freely, as an independent person, is the first step. The investment itself, however, must be an absolute sharing, a total and radical abdication of that carefully cultivated self. This vulnerability and sacrifice is what creates a true oneness. 

It takes coming face-to-face with oneself in total maturity to then turn around and come face-to-face with one’s spouse. Once a commitment is made, the relationship should be defined by unconditional giving, second only to one’s relationship with Hashem. Jewish marriage expects unequivocal commitment; without it, we revert back to a deficient relationship where the goal is personal benefit. 

“First, you must strive to discover your uniqueness. What is your particular task? What essential part of the world is yours to build? This question is critically important… (Then you must invest all that potency in your relationship). Marriage should be a relationship… (where) each gives entirely to the other. Each one gives himself, herself: utterly and fearlessly.  The result is that something is built that far surpasses what each individual is… a combination of two souls each fuelled and fired by the other, far greater than each could have dreamed possible…”⁵

Modern Marriage: Moment for Malchut 

We are approaching the End of Days; the world is steadily progressing toward a state of malchut. With every free choice one of us makes, we crown Hashem king in one more manifest way. More than in any other era, we have the opportunity to be agents of our own autonomous choice, freed from myriad responsibilities that technological advances have effectively eliminated. We are the kingmakers.

This is the time, when marriage is not necessary for survival, when committed relationships are unfashionable in the West, to uphold the institution of marriage for its own sake. We can choose to totally devote ourselves to the partners Hashem paired us with in pursuit of that common agenda, bringing our individual tafkid closer to completion and the universe closer to its own. May we have the wisdom, clarity, and courage it takes to walk the path of malchut.  

1. Bereishit Rabbah 8:1 ↩︎
2. Ayelet Hashchar ch. 31 ↩︎
3. Some say rib. However, the midrash we mentioned relies on the interpretation of “tzela” as a side, or direction. That is to say, Hashem removed the side that was Chava and thus gave them each a backside. ↩︎
4. Bereishit 2:24 ↩︎
5. Rabbi Akiva Tatz, The Thinking Jewish Teenager’s Guide to Life p. 72 ↩︎