Good Match, Bad Match: Lessons on Marriage in Tanach

The first marriage in Tanach is that of Adam and Chava, a marriage which we mention under every chuppa. We bless every Jewish couple to be joyous like Adam and Chava, the creations of Gan Eden. Adam and Chava had the purest form of marital bliss: a marriage that could not compare to any other. Adam could not think “but his wife keeps the home neater, is more put together, compliments more…” Chava could not think “but her husband earns more, does more house chores, is a better learner…” 

In the perfect setting of Gan Eden, there were no problems for husband or wife to fix and certainly no other marriages to compare to. Adam could not help but be the perfect mate for Chava, and Chava for Adam. The rest of the population totaled zero. It is powerful for us to consider what effect it would have on our marriages if we blocked out the possibility of ‘maybe there is someone better for me to marry.’ What if there really was no-one else in existence and this really is my soulmate? Such was the shalom bayit that existed in Gan Eden. 

A fascinating marriage is that of the righteous and beautiful Avigail¹ to Naval, who as the pasuk says is Naval (foolishness) by name and Naval by nature². When Naval is mored bmalchut by refusing David and his shepherds any food on their travels, it is the wise Avigail who comes to handle it. A truly diplomatic wife, Avigail saves Naval from being killed at the hands of David. In fact the Gemara (Megilla 14a) tells us that Avigail brought a blood-stained cloth to ask if it would render her a nidda. When David answers that nidda shailot may not be judged at night, Avigail uses this to question how David can sentence her husband to death (and judge a capital case by night) which too, is halachically forbidden. 

Avigail’s words are laden with wisdom, tact and goodness and her arms came bearing sweet delicacies and wine. Ultimately, Avigail becomes one of the wives of David and is recorded as one of the seven prophetesses of Tanach. Her dignity and diplomacy despite being married to an aggressive, stingy drunkard such as Naval illustrate that no matter what circumstances Hashem puts us in, we can rise to the occasion with grace. Avigail did not sink to Naval’s level, she rose far above. Her halachic guidance also contains much hashkafic meaning – in the midst of any type of dispute, perhaps it is best not to ‘judge’ our cases by night. Not to write off our husbands in the heat of the moment nor to make a rash decision before taking a thoughtful pause overnight. 

A marriage which we may struggle to connect to is that of Rivka and Yitzchak. The Netziv tells us that Rivka lived in complete awe of Yitzchak to the degree that she didn’t even tell him her true feelings about Eisav. The first interaction we see between the two is Rivka falling off the camel when she first beheld the holy face of Yitzchak. Rivka saw Yitzchak as the tzaddik and gibbor he was and this led to a genuine awe³. This is despite the fact that it is evident through the Torah that Yitzchak and Rivka had different approaches to parenting their children. Nowadays, we heavily discuss love, bonding and chemistry, but what Rivka and Yitzchak had was an impenetrable respect. Even when they differed, Rivka truly held Yitzchak in the highest regard. 

There are some marriages in Tanach which are perfect models of what not to do. We have Haman’s wife Zeresh who encourages him in his evil ways and Korach’s wife who supports his rebellion. A wife who similarly brought about tragic destruction was Delila, the wife of Shimshon the judge. Delila, a Pelishti convert, was promised great wealth from the Pelishtim if she revealed the secret of Shimshon’s strength. Indeed, she manipulated Shimshon into giving her the secret – his uncut hair – which ultimately led to his downfall.

Perhaps it is not realistic or even desirable for us to live with the level of awe Rivka had, but we can take more awe into our marriages. Even if our parenting styles are different. Maybe we can cast our minds back to our dating days and consider which things impressed us about our husbands. There was something we noticed which we felt we hadn’t seen in anyone else. If we can inculcate that awareness into at least one more interaction with our husband, we have a glimmer of Yitzchak and Rivka’s marriage within us.

An interesting issue to consider is the balance between private life and public life: how much of our energy should be invested into communal work and how much into our homes? I feel that this issue is becoming increasingly blurred as we have created the impossible image of a superwoman who runs a perfect house, always interacts beautifully with her husband and kids while also giving shiurim or running a chessed organisation or directing some impressive community initiative. Moshe is the only example of someone who needed to separate from his wife, Tzipora, in order to be available at any time to speak face to face with Hashem.

 In fact, the basis of Miriam’s lashon hara to Aharon was questioning why Moshe had to separate from his wife if she too was a prophet and did not need to separate. Tzipora made the ultimate sacrifice, pushing herself aside in order to give our nation the prophet, Moshe who was like no other. Sometimes, we may have to make sacrifices for our husband to grow spiritually. Maybe we do bedtime alone while he is learning or we are limited in vacation destinations due to his spiritual needs. But rarely should family life become irrelevant in the pursuit of spirituality and never without proper guidance. 

The marriage between Boaz and Ruth is a marriage which probably would not pass today’s shidduch system. To put this into context, at the time of Megillat Ruth, it was widely held that the pasuk⁴ in the Torah forbidding the marriage between a Jew and a Moavi or Amoni applied to both genders. In short, that a Jew could never marry a convert from either nation. It was only in the times of Boaz⁵ where the ruling ‘Moavi v’lo moavit’⁶ meaning the prohibition applied only to the Moabite males and not females–  became circulated. In this sense, for the chashuv Boaz to marry a woman who it was still considered controversial to marry, was practically a scandal.

Ruth was a female Moabite convert to whom the prohibition did not apply, but this halacha was not well-known nor well-regarded. To compound the rumours, Boaz died on their wedding night⁷ which people used to suggest that their marriage was an impure one. On the complete contrary, their marriage was indeed holy and it was their union which produced the great King David, from whom Moshiach will be descended. Sometimes, a shidduch which doesn’t ‘look right’ or ‘sound right’ might be the most perfect of all, if we know what matters. 

There are some marriages in Tanach which are perfect models of what not to do. We have Haman’s wife Zeresh who encourages him in his evil ways and Korach’s wife who supports his rebellion. A wife who similarly brought about tragic destruction was Delila, the wife of Shimshon the judge. Delila, a Pelishti convert, was promised great wealth from the Pelishtim if she revealed the secret of Shimshon’s strength. Indeed, she manipulated Shimshon into giving her the secret – his uncut hair – which ultimately led to his downfall. We see Delila persistently pushing Shimshon to share⁸ leading to what the pasuk describes as his soul dying from all her urging and pressing. In typical manipulative fashion, Delila asks her husband ‘How can you say “I love you” while your heart is not with me… you have not told me wherein your strength is so great.”⁹ Delila persuades Shimshon that giving her the secret of his strength would be the only true testament to his love for her and indeed, Shimshon caves in. 

Delila is a frightening example of how manipulative, calculated speech can destroy. Empty words or gestures of love are not a sign of a healthy, thriving marriage. Sincere words accompanied by consistent, genuine loving acts are. And indeed, sometimes there are things which are best kept private in marriage and should not be pushed out into the open. Complimenting and flattery are not the same and nor are encouraging one’s spouse versus coaxing them subtly to do something for us. Manipulation is a tool of destruction, whereas open, loving and healthy dialogue is a tool of connection. 

May we enrich our marriages, and indeed our lives, with the wisdom of Tanach and the blueprint for successful, flourishing and meaningful marriages which it outlines. 

1. Shmuel I 25:3 ↩︎
2. Ibid v25 ↩︎
3. We should remember that this was in no way a one-sided relationship. Yitzchak prayed on behalf of Rivka that they should be blessed with children.  ↩︎
4. Devarim 23:4 ↩︎
5. Who, according to some, was the judge Ivtzan ↩︎
6. Yevamot 76b ↩︎
7. Yalkut Ruth 608 ↩︎
8.  Shoftim 16:16 ↩︎
9. Ibid v15 ↩︎