Exploring Sibling Rivalry and Fraternity in the Torah

Most of the early sibling relationships in Tanach are highly fraught; with jealousy, with anger and with hatred. Starting with Kayin’s murder of Hevel, continuing to the strained differences between Shem, Cham and Yafet and finally entering the tensions of the sons of the Avot. These contentious relationships can teach us just as much as the harmonious sibling relationships. Together, we will explore some of the key lessons and learn how to be the best sisters we can be.

The relationship between Kayin and Hevel is the first sibling relationship discussed in Tanach, yet only a few pesukim into the story, Kayin kills Hevel¹. On a surface level, we see that Kayin’s extreme jealousy at Hashem favouring Hevel’s korban overpowered him and led him to kill his brother. The theme of jealousy underlies nearly every tense sibling relationship in Tanach. Somehow, being so closely related to someone and not receiving the exact acknowledgement or reward which they do, is deeply painful for humans and is processed as crushing rejection. 

We see this again both with Yaakov and Eisav as well as Yosef and his brothers, where in both cases one brother attempts to murder the other because of jealousy. When Rivka helps Yaakov obtain Eisav’s brachot from Yitzchak, Eisav prepares to murder Yaakov, causing him to flee. Later on in Sefer Bereishit, Yosef’s brothers decide that Yosef has to be put to death because of his status as rodef and moser, a judgement clouded by their jealousy for him. 

On a deeper level, however, Rav Aharon Lichtenstein zt’l explained² that Kayin and Hevel were fighting over the division of the world. They decided that one of them would be entitled to all metaltelim (objects) and the other to the actual karka (land). One said that the other took his clothing and the other said that he was standing on his land, with these words of argument, Kayin killed Hevel. Too often we hear repeats of this story, tragic fractured sibling relationships due to the division of property, inheritance. 

Although the actions of Cham in the story of Noach are reprehensible, the three brothers Shem, Cham and Yafet are a powerful illustration of the actualisation of three different kochot, each brother activating his individual potential. Shem becomes the founder of the first Yeshiva and kollel, completely devoted to Torah and mitzvot while Yafet is the father of the Greek ideology, the world of beauty and aesthetics. Each sibling knows their place. 

A beautiful sibling relationship is that of Moshe and Aharon. In fact, the Torah is careful to switch the order of Hashem talking to Moshe and Aharon and Aharon and Moshe in order to emphasise their equal greatness. Aharon was the older brother and thus, we would assume he would assume the role of the leader of the people. However, it was his younger brother Moshe who was destined to outshine him in his field. The pasuk³ tells us that when Aharon would hear this news, he would rejoice in his heart. This pasuk is the key to fostering positive relationships with siblings. If jealousy is the silent killer of closeness, contentment is the silent builder. Aharon did not outwardly smile at Moshe and inside harbour resentment, stewing that ‘why did he get that promotion and not me?’ ‘I could be as good a rebbetzin/mentor/influencer as my sister…’ Aharon was filled with inner contentment, serenity, a peaceful joy. In the merit of Aharon’s pure internal joy, he was rewarded to proudly bear the choshen over his generous heart.⁴ 

The relationship between Kayin and Hevel is the first sibling relationship discussed in Tanach, yet only a few pesukim into the story, Kayin kills Hevel. On a surface level, we see that Kayin’s extreme jealousy at Hashem favouring Hevel’s korban overpowered him and led him to kill his brother. The theme of jealousy underlies nearly every tense sibling relationship in Tanach. Somehow, being so closely related to someone and not receiving the exact acknowledgement or reward which they do, is deeply painful for humans and is processed as crushing rejection. 

This brotherly bond worked both ways as discussed by Rav Chaim Shmulewitz who quoted the pasuk in Tehillim⁵ “Behold how good and how pleasant it is when brothers dwell together in unity. Like the precious oil upon the head running down upon the beard, the beard of Aaron, running down over his garments.” The Midrash states⁶ that this verse is referring to the brothers Moshe and Aaron and thus, the repetition of the word ‘beard’ connotes that when oil ran down the beard of Aaron, it was as if it also ran down the beard of Moshe himself. This is the truest form of ‘like one man, with one heart.’ Enjoying the simcha of a sibling like our own. 

Another relationship for us to model is that of Rachel and Leah. The depths of Rachel’s selflessness is not even fully understood. She gave up the dreams that every young woman holds dear, to marry a man who would love and cherish her, a man with whom she could build klal yisrael, a holy tzaddik who was truly good. All this she did just in order to spare the embarrassment of her sister. Ultimately, Rachel’s sacrifice did not end there, on the big day of the chuppa, it continued for the rest of her life. She shared her life’s partner with her sister for her entire marriage as well as watched her sister bring child after child into the world while she waited. 

After reading the biography of Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky a’h, I was both inspired and ashamed when I read that she left her house completely open to the public and did not even own a pen because any time she would obtain one, it would inevitably be taken by a visitor. I was amazed at the level of giving, to the extent that someone could let go of the ownership of their entire home, to even let strangers take food from her fridge. Yet, I was also embarrassed that while this tzadeket who lived in our days was able to relinquish it all, I was picky about which clothing I would lend to my own sister and would stress until I got it back. Rachel’s level of sisterly love was likewise completely transcendent, she did not even put her sister’s dreams equal to hers, she let them rise above. Even if we aren’t able to do that, we can share that one thing. It is not for nothing that parents forever press their young children to share, because they are in the process of creating mini Rachels and Leahs. 

The two great Kings, King David and King Shlomo both faced sibling strife as well. King David was looked down on by his siblings for they viewed him as an illegitimate child. This is the basis behind the words in Tehillim⁷ ‘the stone that the builder rejected became the cornerstone.’ David, the rejected little brother, surprises his entire family – including his own father – when he is chosen as king. He is not as tall nor as strong as his brothers and he certainly was not popular. Even the great prophet Shmuel was cautious of David’s lineage and surprised that David was considered the most fitting for the kingship out of his capable brothers. If we do have a sibling who looks down on us, shuns us or belittles us, we can take strength from the story of David, an overlooked shepherd who became King and composer of the beautiful Tehillim we recite. 

A final element of sibling relationships we see is the element of loyalty, manifesting through brothers coming to the defence of their sisters. We often hear people talk about the ‘protective older brother’ and here we will explore some of this in Torah. Following King Shechem’s abduction and subsequent assault on Dinah, daughter of Yaakov, the two brothers Shimon and Levi take revenge on the people and slaughter all the males of the city in vengeance. This was not the correct action to take, and Yaakov curses the anger of his two sons, giving them mussar (reproof). But, from this episode we glean this understanding of the strong desire for brothers to protect their sisters. We see this again in Navi with the children of King David when Avshalom killed his brother Amnon for assaulting his sister, Tamar. Of course, this is not the Torah way to express loyalty, far from it, but it does bring out a fascinating psychological insight into the protective older brother.

 In truth, all of us are brothers and sisters and when one of us is in danger or harm, we should stand up in defence of each other, silencing the initial cry of Kayin ‘am I my brother’s keeper?’⁸ Certainly, we are. 

1. Bereishit 4:8 ↩︎
2. https://etzion.org.il/en/tanakh/torah/sefer-bereishit/parashat-bereishit/bereishit-story-kayin-and-hevel
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3. Shemot 4:13 ↩︎
4. Gemara Shabbat 139a ↩︎
5. 133:1-2 ↩︎
6. https://aish.com/moses-and-aaron-brothers-dwelling-together/
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7. 118:22 ↩︎
8. Bereishit 4:9 ↩︎