Good Parent, Bad Parent: Lessons on Parenting from Tanach Characters

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Torah is our guidebook for life. To light our way, to guide our path and to clarify our vision. As the pasuk¹ says, ‘it is not in the Heavens’ – the Torah is not reserved for solely spiritual moments. Rather, the Torah is designed to provide us with clarity through the murkiest moments of our lives. What is the Torah’s guidance on family dynamics, most particularly the parent-child relationship? Whatever we are navigating in our family interactions, the Torah has spoken of it before and its ancient wisdom can guide us, even now.

The first relationship we will explore is that of Mordechai and Esther. Mordechai and Esther’s relationship is in many ways parental, as literally seen in the pasuk, ‘And Mordechai took her as a daughter.’² Rashi there comments that we should read the word ‘bat’ as ‘bayit’ meaning house, suggesting that Mordechai married Esther. However, even if the ‘bat’ relationship is purely figurative, we see in the pesukim that Mordechai certainly relates to Esther as a fatherly figure.

When Esther is taken to the palace, Mordechai checks on her each day, tending to her welfare in a parental way. We also see Esther turning to Mordechai as her parental authority and depending on him for spiritual guidance. The Megilla tells us that the reason Esther didn’t reveal her identity is because Mordechai told her not to. The pasuk³ spells out that the same way that Esther obeyed his word in the past, she continued to do so. Esther even risks her life for the Jewish people because of Mordechai’s advice. This absolute faith in parental authority is perhaps a less popular topic nowadays⁴. Yet, it seems that it is specifically Esther’s earlier deference, the way she emulates the ‘hester’ of her name, that leads her to take the initiative later on. This ultimately gives her the wings to be the catalyst for the Jewish people’s miraculous survival and salvation in Persian exile.

Another relationship which demonstrates this is Avraham and Yitzchak. We are all familiar with the Avot, yet of the three, Yitzchak appears rarely in the Torah. One of the focal points of Yitzchak’s life is the akeida, yet even this tremendous nisayon is relayed to us through the lens of Avraham. The main place we hear about Yitzchak is the episode of the wells. After being stolen from the Pelishtim, Yitzchak re-digs the wells that Avraham dug and calls them by the original names Avraham gave them.⁵

There are many great people in Tanach, particularly the Avot, yet what stands out about Yitzchak is not that he necessarily focused on bringing out his individual greatness. What is great about Yitzchak is that he reinstated the legacy of his father, he repeated it and concretised it. His greatness was measured by his similarity to Avraham. In fact, Rashi⁶ tells us that even physically, the two looked alike. Sometimes we think that as children we need to excel or shine in an unprecedented way, but sometimes it takes a gadol like Yitzhcak to realise that if we emulate what we have seen, we still retain pride of place by Hashem’s kisei hakavod.

Another facet of the child-parent relationship is the emotional bond. This is depicted powerfully in the relationship between Yaakov and Yosef, to the extent that the Torah writes “these are the children of Yaakov: Yosef.”⁷ Of course, Yaakov had multiple children, and many misunderstand the special attention he gave Yosef. But Yaakov and Yosef were united in their missions, in their essence, in their ability to gather together⁸ various factions of klal yisrael and unite them in their avodat Hashem. The Midrash comments that the reason Yosef is listed as Yaakov’s child specifically is because of their many similarities.

Their physical features mirrored each other as well as their life trajectories. They were both hated by one (or more) brothers who sought to kill them and both spent much time away from home as a result. Yaakov had to flee the murderous Eisav and lived in the house of Lavan whereas Yosef was sold by his brothers and languished in the dungeons of Egypt. Both were outside of Eretz Yisrael and eventually descended to Egypt, dying and being embalmed there. Yaakov saw in Yosef his spiritual essence and sought to establish him as the ‘Yaakov’ of the brothers⁹. So powerful was the bond between father and son that when Yosef was tested with tremendous nisayon of Potiphar’s wife, it was the image of his father which appeared before him, and strengthened his emotional and spiritual resolve. This special bond between father and son had the power to lift a teenager out of sin, even so far away from home.

This bond does not solely exist between the righteous, but even with those who are labelled by the Torah as sinners. We see that Avraham has genuine love for Yishmel when Hashem asks him to take his son who is beloved to him, intending for Avraham to take Yitzchak and Avraham replies that he has two sons that he loves. This leads Hashem to tell him outright – Yitzchak. Additionally, Avraham needs the word of Hashem to reassure him that expelling Yishmael is the right decision. If not for the words of Sara, Avraham seems to have preferred to have him dwell in his home despite his sinful behaviour and impure influence. Similarly, the pasuk explicitly says about Yitzchak that he loves Eisav. While it is true that Eisav was a master of deception, Rabbi Sacks writes that Yitzchak ultimately knew who Eisav was, but still loved him. Eisav had a potential, albeit different to Yaakov’s, and Yitzchak wanted to bring it out. A parent’s love is unconditional.

The Torah does not shy away from the complexities of in-law relationships. Yaakov, the tzaddik who is known to be the ‘ish tamim, yosheiv ohalim’ ‘man of purity, dweller of tents’ is faced with a highly manipulative and dangerous father-in-law, Lavan. Yaakov begins life almost as a sheltered bachur, and is forced to engage with his trickster father-in-law, first over his wife (then wives) and then over business. Lavan deceived Yaakov into marrying Leah before Rachel and continued to cheat Yaakov many times over when Yaakov was in charge of his flock. In fact, the root ‘ganav’ meaning ‘to steal’ is used seven times in this episode.

We can learn many parenting lessons from Chana, the mother of Shmuel. When Chana appealed to Hashem for a child, she tells Hashem that if not for a child, the feminine parts of her body were created in vain and she seeks to use them. Chana believed with all her being, that being a mother was one of the purposes of her creation. When she davened for a child¹⁰ she promised ‘I will give him to Hashem all the days of his life.” Chana was completely selfless, her child was not about bringing her personal fulfillment or even nachat, her child was for the service of Hashem. She promised that as soon as he was 3, he would be given to Eli the Kohein for Divine service.

At the same time, at the first opportunity to go up to Yerushalayim, a coveted spiritual experience, the pasuk¹¹ records that Chana did not go up. Radak explains that baby Shmuel at the time was weak and Chana did not want to risk making him ill over the journey, so she stayed home. Incredibly, Chana missed out on the spiritually uplifting experience of Yerushalayim in order to put her baby’s physical needs first. There is no more spiritual avoda for a mother than that. We sometimes worry that we are less spiritual when we are occupied with the needs of a baby, but there is nothing holier than putting Hashem’s children first.

Rav Michael Hattin plays on the words of the pasuk ‘Lavan Harami’ ‘Lavan the Aramean’ and re-scrambles the letters to ‘Naval Haramai’ meaning ‘the vile deceiver.’ It is noteworthy too that Lavan’s name means white, yet his behaviour was far from pure. Despite this, Yaakov says of himself, ‘I lived with Lavan but I kept all the 613 mitzvot.’ He never veered from the path of truth. The Rambam writes¹² that every Jew is obligated to work with all his might, as Yaakov said “for I worked for your father with all my might.” Though this Rambam is a halachic source for the honesty of hired workers, it applies hashkafically to our relationship with our in-laws. Even when we are faced with behaviour, or people, who are not pure– our response, like Yaakov’s, is to see the impurity for what it is, distance from it, but never become it. We respond to deceit with an even stronger light of emet.

In contrast to Yaakov and Lavan, another set of in-laws which the Torah spotlights is that of Naomi and Ruth. The Megilla records¹³ that following the deaths of Machlon and Kilyon, Ruth and Orpah turn to accompany their bereaved mother-in-law back to Eretz Yisrael. However, the pasuk says that after Naomi pushes them away and encourages them to rebuild without her, Orpah kisses her and turns away but Rut clings to her, crying her poignant words “Wherever you go I will go…” It certainly could not have been easy for Ruth, the privileged Moabite princess, to leave her riches and fame to come to the land of Israel with her widowed, poverty-stricken mother-in-law. Yet, it is from Ruth that Moshiach ben David descends, perhaps for this very reason.

Throughout the Megilla, we see Ruth’s unwavering dedication and care towards her mother-in-law, even bending over like a pauper in the field to collect the forgotten grains for her and following her advice to approach Boaz as her redeemer. Ruth’s marriage to Boaz is a comfort to Naomi, an opportunity for her to witness the spiritual continuation of her husband’s line of the family. Perhaps the climax of Ruth’s unbelievable dedication to Naomi is after she gives birth to her son, Oved, and the pasuk¹⁴ records that Naomi becomes his omenet, his carer, his nurse. Naomi cared for Oved to the extent that the women of the town said¹⁵ ‘a son has been born to Naomi.’ Such was the closeness that Naomi felt towards her husband’s progeny. Ruth’s entire life path diverged in order to comfort and cling to her mother-in-law. She looked after her financially, she married the man who would continue the legacy of Naomi’s late husband, Elimelech, and ultimately, she enabled Naomi to be the matriarch of her family. This is a powerful illustration of the bond that can be forged between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.

A powerful line I read from the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation¹⁶ sums it up perfectly. “One of the primary reasons Hashem created the family unit was so that it could be a workshop, a place for the soul to develop.” Let us use the examples of parenting gone right and wrong throughout Tanach, and apply it to the spiritual workshops of our own homes.

Devarim 30:12 ↩︎
Megillat Esther 2:7 ↩︎
Ibid 2:20 ↩︎
We see this as well with King Shlomo and his mother Batsheva. Though he was King, his mother rebuked him and he recorded the rebuke in Sefer Mishlei ↩︎
Bereishit 26:18 ↩︎
Bereishit 25:19 ↩︎
Bereishit 37:2 ↩︎
Yosef means ‘gather together’ ↩︎
Whereas the brothers saw Yosef as the Eisav or the Yishmael, the rebellious brother ↩︎
Shmuel I 1:11 ↩︎
Ibid 1:21 ↩︎
Hilchot Sechirut 13:7 ↩︎
Rut 1:14 ↩︎
Ibid 4:16 ↩︎
Ibid v 17 ↩︎
https://cchf.global/the-elderly-the-family/
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