Do Women Need to Invest the Same Effort as Men into Finding Their Soulmates?

Family life lies at the heart of our Torah world. There is perhaps no value held so dear that we have countless sefarim written and songs composed about the beauty of Torah marriage and the importance of harmony in the home. Yet, as beautiful as marriage and family building is, it is in fact only listed as a mitzva for the man to seek out a wife, and not the other way round. This article will discuss this idea as well as exploring whether this exempts a woman from investing efforts (hishtadlut) into her shidduchim.

The Rambam lists marriage as a mitzva in his magnum opus, Mishneh Torah, mitzva 122¹. He derives this from a pasuk in Devarim which discusses the consummation of marriage between husband and wife². However, the Rambam who listed this as the man’s mitzva also writes in Hilchot Ishut³ that both men and women should always strive to be married. The Rambam writes that a man should marry so that he will not come to sinful thoughts, and a woman should marry so that she will not be suspected. In a similar vein, the Gemara⁴ writes that a woman should get married as early as possible⁵ so that the yetzer hara will not tempt her. Both the Gemara and the Rambam are not attempting to malign the Jewish people, rather they are addressing men and women in the way Hashem created them. These two holy sources emphasise that at the right stage, the institution of marriage is one which keeps the nation pure and this is what will ensure our tahor status for generations. 

In Bereishit⁶, it says “it is not good for man to be alone.” Without a wife by his side, man is not just lonely but existing without true blessing in his life. As the Gemara⁷ says “a man who dwells with no wife lives without joy, without blessing and without goodness.” When a man gets married, the blessings in his life are able to flow and he gains a vitality to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life which he never had before. Although the Torah does not spell this out with regards to women, it does not need to. Women naturally desire companionship as they are deeply aware that connection will fill them with joy, blessing and goodness. As the Gemara⁸ records, women prefer company to isolation. Loneliness subdues the spirit and as the Rambam hinted to, is dangerous for the soul as it can lead to sin. Therefore, despite the fact that it is not a mitzva for the woman to get married, it is nevertheless something she should pursue as it helps her enter the next chapter of her spiritually and emotionally fulfilling life. Indeed, Hashem created the concept of ‘ezer k’negdo’ and of family altogether, in order to help us grow into our greatest selves and live beautiful Torah lives. 

Although women do not have a specific mitzva to get married, they are designated a special portion of mitzvot in order to live married life according to the Torah, namely, the laws of taharat mishpacha. Without the physical and spiritual structure which marriage provides, a woman is unable to access these mitzvot. In the same way as a man can only fulfil the mitzva of tzitzit if he wears a four-cornered garment, a woman can only keep her special mitzva in the domain of marriage. An additional aspect of women getting married is their spiritual role as facilitator. The concept of mashpia and mekabel (essentially, giver and receiver) is commonly brought into the realm of the male-female relationship whereby the man is the mashpia, the bestower of influence and the woman is the mekabel, the recipient. In a sense, before a woman is even married she is playing her role as mekabel because the man requires her to be a willing mekabel in order to fulfil his role as man, to bestow, to give and practically, to fulfil his mitzva and be mekadesh her. By getting married, a woman is enabling her husband to fulfil his mitzva of getting married and therefore acting as the spiritual enabler, a forerunner for her unique role in his spiritual life and in their marriage. We could even say that her mitzva is in giving life to and supporting his mitzva.

Although women do not have a specific mitzva to get married, they are designated a special portion of mitzvot in order to live married life according to the Torah, namely, the laws of taharat mishpacha. Without the physical and spiritual structure which marriage provides, a woman is unable to access these mitzvot. In the same way as a man can only fulfil the mitzva of tzitzit if he wears a four-cornered garment, a woman can only keep her special mitzva in the domain of marriage.

With regards to hishtadlut, it therefore follows that both for her own spiritual benefit, as well as that of her husband and her future dorot, a woman should certainly invest efforts into her shidduchim, equal to that of men. Aside from practical actions such as reaching out to shadchanim, the Gemara⁹ advises that a person should pray for help in finding the right shidduch, and parents should pray for their children. During what can be an overwhelming time, fraught with conflicting emotions, the best hishtadlut is always prayer. 

Additionally, the Torah instructs us to prepare for shidduchim financially. In fact, in days of old there was a long-time gap (sometimes a year) between the kiddushin and nesuin of a wedding in order to provide time for the chatan to find a livelihood. The Gemara¹⁰ even instructs parents to set aside approximately 10% of their assets to help a daughter get married. Nowadays, when dowries are not commonplace, this could translate as setting aside the basic funds for a girl to start off her married life. Rav Hirsch in his commentary on Mishpatim goes so far as to suggest that a father should sell the last shirt off his back to marry off his daughter. However, outside the parental context, perhaps a young woman herself can use her time in shidduchim to prepare, not just with the spiritual and emotional mindset as above, but in a financial sense. Maybe she will train in a lucrative career to support her husband in learning or perhaps she will choose a job that will help free up her time to raise her future children. Whatever the hishtadlut is, accompanied with a pure mindset and sincere tefilla, it is sure to have a precious and indelible impact on her future home. 

Marriage is not merely a goal, or destination. It was designated as the perfect incubator for spiritual and emotional growth at the beginning of time, when Hashem completed His first shidduch between Adam and Chava. Marriage may only be a listed mitzva for men, but it is more than a mitzva for the woman. It is a natural outgrowth of her desire for connection and reaching perfection in her spiritual goals. It is a pure, protected space for both her body and soul and the ideal way to begin her mission as her husband’s mekabel, his spiritual receiver and facilitator. Hashem designed every aspect of the marriage relationship and its relevant mitzvot with perfection and care. May we embark on the right hishtadlut and create the relationships that Hashem intended to be so wholesome, fulfilling and pure for us. 

1. https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/756399/jewish/The-613-Commandments-Mitzvot.htm ↩︎
2. Devarim 24:1 which illustrates that he is mekadesh her through intimacy ↩︎
3. 15a:16 ↩︎
4. Sanhedrin 76a ↩︎
5. Kiddushin 41a delineates that she must be old enough to properly select the man as her husband ↩︎
6. 2:18 ↩︎
7. Yevamot 62b ↩︎
8. Kiddushin 41a ↩︎
9. Brachot 8a ↩︎
10. Ketubot 52b ↩︎