Does Romantic Love Exist in Judaism?

Romantic love has undergone many iterations over the centuries, and philosophers and thinkers have differed in definitions, all focusing on different perspectives and semantic elements. Judaism, too, does not have one steady definition of what romantic love is. Still, rather than trying to arrive at the perfect written definition, we can extrapolate on the key elements of romantic love by looking at the dynamics between five fundamental couples; Adam and Chava, Avraham and Sara, Yitzchak and Rivka, Yakov and Rachel, and Yakov and Leah. 

Typically we conceive of love, and romantic love at that, as a quality that brings two people closer together, often through some shared experience. So, it is interesting that our first introduction to the Torah’s first couple has Woman described as an “ezer k’negdo”¹, “a helpmate opposite him”. Clearly, this isn’t teaching us that husband and wife should be at odds with one another, but conversely, there is a notable distinction in the two creations such that they complete each other – a metaphor often used when trying to encapsulate romantic love. The rest of Adam and Chava’s story mentions nothing of their feelings towards one another, only that they remained a unit throughout their journey; they lived together, sinned together, were punished together, and left Gan Eden together. Underlying everything was their unity, even with their marked differences.

…the Torah is indicating to us what it really means to love our spouse, and that this only grows as our lives together continue. Everyone is familiar with the honeymoon phase, but as Rav Shimshon Raphael Hirsch eloquently notes, “the wedding is not the peak of flowers, but rather the root of love!”

Avraham and Sara represent another facet of love, in fact they are the archetypal figures of Chesed. They opened their home to everyone and Rashi² notes their shared dedication to their joint mission of kiruv, where Avraham converted the men and Sara converted the women, all to the same concept of monotheism. In Parshat Lech Lecha³, there is an interesting interaction whereby Avraham tells Sara, “I know what a beautiful woman you are.” The commentators debate whether this is literal, that Avraham had not actually noticed his own wife’s beauty up until this point, or whether he must have known this, but in this context (entering Egypt) Sara’s beauty posed a risk to them, and that is why it necessitated mentioning. Either way, it is one of the few verbal recognitions we have in Chumash of a husband’s attraction to his wife. 

There are two possible ways of looking at this. The first is that outward beauty and attraction are ultimately not necessary to a successful relationship (which Avraham and Sarah uncontestedly had). The second is that it is so fundamental to a successful relationship that it is hardly worth bringing up. From the text, this is unclear, but from halachic sources we learn that it is likely the latter case. The Shulchan Aruch paskens that “It is permissible to gaze at an unmarried woman to determine if she is attractive, in order [to decide whether] to marry her … and moreover it is fitting to do so.”⁴ 

Yitzchak and Rivka exemplify how love grows as we get to know our partners, and the role of comfort in romantic love. The pasuk in parshat Chayei Sara states, “Isaac then brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he took Rebekah as his wife. Isaac loved her, and thus found comfort after his mother’s death.”⁵ First came marriage, then came love. This stands in contrast with what many of us are raised hearing. We consider it more fitting that you marry the person you love, not that you love the person you marry. But the Torah is indicating to us what it really means to love our spouse, and that this only grows as our lives together continue. Everyone is familiar with the honeymoon phase, but as Rav Shimshon Raphael Hirsch eloquently notes, “the wedding is not the peak of flowers, but rather the root of love!”⁶

Further, it is noted that through his love for Rivka, Yitzchak found solace in his grief over his mother. Undoubtedly, support and comfort is vital in any successful romantic relationship, and often it is only one’s spouse who can fully provide these qualities. In order to feel comforted, one needs to feel seen and understood on an intimate level, and such a level is not accessible to people beyond one’s partner as it requires a vulnerability that is difficult to share with others. 

Finally, we move onto Yakov and his singular experience with romantic love. Married to two sisters, only one of which was intentional, Yakov presents an interesting case study of both what to do and what not to do in the case of romantic love. His relationship with Rachel seems perfect, and the Torah notes that upon meeting her, “Jacob kissed Rachel, and broke into tears.”⁷ Rabbeinu Bachya⁸ points out that this kiss did not have sexual intent and was the standard greeting of the region, but it’s actually the second half of this pasuk that has more to do with love. The Sforno⁹ comments that Yakov cried because he did not merit to marry Rachel in his youth, and he is crying over the extra years he could have had with her. Rashi¹⁰ writes that Yakov saw through prophecy that Rachel would die young and that she would not be buried beside him in Ma’arat HaMachpela. 

From the moment he met her, Yakov was dedicated to marrying Rachel. He worked for Lavan tirelessly for seven years, and even after he was tricked into marrying Leah, he continued to vie for Rachel’s hand in marriage. This devotion is one of the Torah’s most romantic pursuits, by any generation’s standards.

As for Yakov and Leah, we learn harder lessons. We learn the value in being chosen by your spouse, and how vital it is that both partners are dedicated to the relationship working. A marriage of duty can work, and it did for Leah and Yakov, but it was not easy, and it is not the relationship in Tanakh that people aspire to. Sometimes it is clear from the start that we want to spend our lives with someone, and sometimes we need to spend time getting to know them and learning to appreciate them for who they are. Both of these approaches are valid and can result in healthy romantic relationships, but the key is that every day we choose this person over and over again. Yakov and Leah teach us that romantic love is a two-way street.

May we all merit to find our bashert in the right time, and lead long, healthy, happy lives together, internalizing the qualities that our Avot and Imahot have taught us. 

1. Bereishit 2:18 ↩︎
2. Rashi on Bereishit 12:5 ↩︎
3. Bereishit 12:11 ↩︎
4. Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 21:3 ↩︎
5. Bereishit 24:67 ↩︎
6. Rav Hirsch on Bereishit 24:67 ↩︎
7. Bereishit 29:11 ↩︎
8. Rabbeinu Bachya on Bereishit 29:11 ↩︎
9. Sforno on Bereishit 29:11 ↩︎
10. Rashi on Bereishit 29:11 ↩︎