A Married Woman Taking On Her Husband’s Customs

The Jewish home and family is a central vehicle for the transmission of a Jewish way of life. Along with the laws that we teach our children, we also transmit many minhagim, or customs. The concept of minhag is a vast one with a wide spectrum of authority and functions, some with even halachic status, some carrying less significant value. Either way, minhagim hold a central place in one’s family and community day-to-day life. 

Tied to this is a commonly held perception that when a couple marry, the wife is expected to take on the customs of the husband. In this article, we will examine the reasons for this ‘rule of thumb’ and see whether it is in fact true, and in which cases. Through this we will see the underlying value of customs and their role in family and community. 

The Concept

In the case of marriage, the customs we are generally referring to would be called ‘Minhag Avot’. The Gemara presents the following case to illustrate Minhag Avot: “The residents of Beit She’an were accustomed not to travel from Tyre to market day in Sidon on Shabbat eve. Their children came before Rabbi Yoḥanan to request that he repeal this custom. They said to him: Due to their wealth, it was possible for our fathers to earn a living without traveling to the market on Friday; however, it is not possible for us to do so. He said to them: Your fathers already accepted this virtuous custom upon themselves, and it remains in effect for you, as it is stated: “My son, hear your father’s rebuke and do not abandon your mother’s teaching” (Proverbs 1:8).”¹ From this we see that customs are not something that can just be discarded and hold importance and significance for future generations. 

Commenting on the bindingness of Minhag Avot, the Shulcan Aruch writes that the acceptance of a custom is binding for those that accept it as well as their descendants. Further, it tells us that when one moves to a city, without the intent to return, one “becomes like the people of the city and must behave in accordance with their decrees.” Here the Shulchan Aruch refers to both the leniencies and stringencies of the place, even if they contradict the practices of the city they lived in before.²

Rav Moshe Feinstein sees a couple marrying as the woman’s ‘relocation’ to another domain; from her house, to her husband’s house. He holds that the woman should take on the customs of her spouse, both those that are more stringent and those that are more lenient as based on the Shulchan Aruch. Rav Feinstein quotes the sources that show that marriage takes place in the domain of the husband, that in many ways he is the authority in the relationship and therefore, as is commonly practised, a woman is obligated in the customs of her husband and not those of her own family background”.³

Rav Ovadia Yosef also held that a woman should take on the customs of her husband, quoting the Tashbetz, who writes: “…and a man from one community marries a woman from another, without doubt this woman is included with her husband in all his obligations, for “his wife is like himself” in all matters”. Through the marriage the wife is absolved of her previous customs and takes on those of her husband. The Tashbetz adds that it shouldn’t be that in one home, different customs would be practised- there should be uniformity and that doing so will also prevent disagreement and protect shalom bayit.⁴

Rav Ovadia added to this that a woman should take on the overall customs of her husband when in the case of moving communities, such as an Ashkenazi woman who takes on Sephardic customs. However, he also held that a wife was not obligated to take on the stringencies of her husband, and that he cannot force her to do so. This is perhaps the first line of departure from Rav Feinstein and the Tashbetz.⁵ 

Rav Yehuda Henkin takes a rather different approach on the matter. He disputes the idea that a wife has traveled to her husband’s domain and brings counter evidence to Rav Feinstein’s position, that a wife needs to be like her husband. Indeed, he brings many sources in the Torah and Rabbanic literature which show that it is in fact the husband who is obligated to leave his home, reminding us that “A woman’s place is with her husband but by the same token a man’s place is with his wife, as in the verse, “therefore a man leaves his father and mother” (Genesis 2:24), but not necessarily in his house or in her house – that’s not the subject of the verse…” Rav Henkin also brings many sources in which we see that the rights and needs of the wife take precedence over the husband.⁶ 

In his writings, we see that Rav Henkin is writing in a reality that was not quite as prevalent in Rav Feinstein’s time- that of communities with many mixed and varied customs, such as we live in today. He asks,“If a wife moves with her husband to a new community, they both must follow local practice, but if she stays in her own place, or even if she moves to where there are a number of different customs with no clear general practice, like so many places today, why should she abandon her own customs?” Rav Henkin differentiates, as does Rav Ovadia, between personal customs and those on a larger communal scale, such as eating kitniot on Pesach. 

Similarly to Rav Henkin, Rav Chaim David Halevy also believes that a wife does not always need to take on the customs of the husband⁷. In his answer he also addresses the issue of Shalom Bayit as the primary factor in this debate. Rav Halevy also relates to the question of when a woman has a custom she is connected to and her husband doesn’t, and holds that it is clear she should keep hers in this case. Some examples of a case such as this might be in the situation in which the husband is a Ger or Baal Teshuva.

The matter of custom is important. Customs give us another level of performing mitzvot, connecting to Hashem and to our fellow Jew and community. There is clearly an emotional element to this aspect of observance. Throughout this discussion we have seen the importance of holding on to that emotional link to generations passed, as well as the importance of the present and future home that is being built when a couple marry.

In general, it is accepted that when speaking of customs that are personal to the wife, such as the nusach she davens, or particular customs her mother kept around immersion in the mikveh, she may maintain those customs. 

Shalom Bayit and Education

The matter of custom is important. Customs give us another level of performing mitzvot, connecting to Hashem and to our fellow Jew and community. There is clearly an emotional element to this aspect of observance. Throughout this discussion we have seen the importance of holding on to that emotional link to generations passed, as well as the importance of the present and future home that is being built when a couple marry. Both of these factors are considerations in which customs a couple, with the guidance of their family and Rav, will choose to keep. We have seen that there are authorities who rule in both directions, and whichever direction a couple takes, it is imperative that these issues are discussed before marriage, and that mutual respect is shown in relation to any custom in order to protect shalom bayit. 

In many cases there will be a question of chinuch – what messages are being passed to our children when the couple observes different customs? Here, one can see the value of both approaches – a uniform family in which practices are clear, and in the second, a respect for differences, nuances and historical connection. Indeed, as the Gemara quoted us, “My son, hear your father’s rebuke and do not abandon your mother’s teaching.”⁸ Both the customs of the father and mother are links to our past and connection to our present. Perhaps one of the most beautiful explanations of the necessity of both is in the work of Rav Solovetchick (whose parents, anecdotally, indeed kept some separate minhagim) when he writes: 
“Father teaches the son the discipline of thought as well as the discipline of action. Father’s tradition is an intellectual-moral one. That is why it is identified with mussar… What kind of Torah does the mother pass on?….That Judaism expresses itself not only in formal compliance with the law but also in a living experience. She [my mother] taught me that there is a flavor, a scent and warmth to mitzvot. I learned from her the most important thing in life—to feel the presence of the Almighty and the gentle pressure of His hand resting upon my frail shoulders.”⁹

1. Pesachim 50a ↩︎
2. Shulchan Aruch, Yore Deah 214:2 ↩︎
3. Iggrot Moshe, Orach Chayim 1:158  ↩︎
4. Tashbetz 3:179  ↩︎
5. As quoted in Bnei Banim, 3:29 quoting the Or Torah Journal, Iyar 1991 ↩︎
6. Bnei Banim, 3:29 ↩︎
7. שו”ת עשה לך רב ( חלק ו סימן ל”ז ↩︎
8. Proverbs 1:8 ↩︎
9. Rav Y. D. Soloveitchik, ‘A Tribute to the Rebbitzen of Talne’, pp. 76-77 ↩︎