The Torah’s Perspective on ‘Kids in Pain’

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Each week, every Jewish woman closes her eyes and davens for righteous children, children who bring her, and ultimately Hashem, the greatest nachat. Yet, as one of my seminary teachers put it “children are not nachat machines.”¹ We are all united in our dream for holy, pure and G-d fearing children. But whether that dream will come to fruition, we do not know. I do not write this as a parenting expert nor as an informed educator – I write this simply as a Jewish woman who longs for what every mother has ever prayed for throughout the generations: children who hold the Torah closely. There is no magic formula for perfect children – but there is a guide for how to be the best eved Hashem, whoever your children are.

“Off the Derech”

The phrase “off the derech” has become our way of referring to a person whose life choices do not align with halacha and sometimes with frum life in general. Hashem, through the Torah and mitzvot, clearly delineated a derech, a path, and someone “off the derech” has strayed away from the tracks. Rabbi Avi Fishoff, a chinuch expert who set up Twisted Parenting, a program which helps parents reconnect with children who are struggling, does not refer to anyone as off the derech. Instead, Rabbi Fishoff calls them KIPs – Kids In Pain. Children who are struggling externally with their Yiddishkeit are children who are facing battles internally. They have not left the fold, they are hurting. In the words of Rav Zecharia Wallerstein zt’l, founder of Ohr Naava, when a child acts out “it’s not a chutzpa, it’s a symptom. There’s something wrong.” When we see a boy remove his yarmulke, a girl drop her tzniut standards, our focus should not be on what they are doing, but why they are doing it. The derech of Torah is the most beautiful, fulfilling and meaningful way of living life – if someone detaches from it, they are not “off,” there is something preventing them. This is the first principle to understand.

The Status of Children

All too often, as parents, we over identify with our children. We view our children’s achievements as our own. And in the same vein, we view our children’s struggles as our own. Rebbetzin Gottlieb teaches that Chava was criticized for saying that she was ‘kaniti,’ that she ‘owned’ Kayin. His very name means that he was an acquisition, that children belong to their parents. But this is not true. Our children’s decisions are separate from our own, they are not carbon copies of their parents. And ultimately, they belong to Hashem. Rav Gamliel Rabinowitz puts it succinctly: “A parent has a responsibility to be mechanech his children to the best of his ability but the end product is decided by Hashem.” If we truly had the clarity of mind that our children’s sometimes poor choices do not reflect our self-worth, we would be so much better equipped to lovingly guide them to the right choices. If we had the genuine bitachon that our children’s successes and failures are not the result of brilliant or terrible parenting, but a package designed for us by Hashem, we would navigate them with equanimity. Just like us, our children are a work in progress and traversing their own journey through life.

Chinuch of love

We may look at the story of Sara and Yishmael and conclude that the Torah’s approach towards struggling children is to reject and expel them. In truth, this is virtually never the solution. It takes a child of the type of Yishmael to need such a response and more importantly, a mother like Sara Imeinu to make such a decision. Even Avraham Avinu would not have made such a decision without Hashem confirming that Sara was right.

Our general approach follows the Gemara (Sanhedrin 107b) that a person should push his child away with his left hand and draw him closer with the right hand. Left symbolizes weakness whereas right signals strength. There always needs to be a level of yira, boundaries and discipline in the home. There will be red lines and there will be consequences. Yet, greater strength should be invested in closeness; love, compliments and acceptance. We often hear people talk about punishments and behavior management, but it is far less frequently that we discuss how to bond with a child or student, how to create connection, relationship or a safe space. Yet these are the most crucial parts of chinuch. This is what builds a child and gives him the tools to be able to serve Hashem.

Our generation more than ever, with the unique challenges Hashem gave us, needs to raise children with an extra dose of ahava. But we should not think this is a novelty of 2024. If we re-examine the story of Eisav and Yaakov through the lens of Rav Hirsch, we will see that this was far from a story of polar opposite twins; black versus white, good versus bad. Eisav was born with a holy mission and lofty potential – and the ability to actualise it. He was destined to achieve his gadlut by conquering Olam Hazeh with his bashert, Leah (or Dina, according to some). Leah and Dina are both classified in the pesukim as a “yatzanit” – comfortable being out in the world. This equipped them to partner with Eisav and bring spirituality into the physical. Yet, Eisav was raised to be like Yaakov and because his kochot did not align with Yaakov’s, he felt pushed away and in turn, spurned the derech of Torah and mitzvot.

On this episode, Rav Hirsch quotes the pasuk in Mishlei “educate a child according to his way.” If Eisav had been raised in a way which embraced his extroversion, his curiosity and his boldness, perhaps we would have seen a different Eisav. In fact, Rabbi Y.Y. Jacobson cautions that some of the institutions of today echo the unfortunate hashkafa of sedom. Mosad, institution and Sedom share the same letters. In Sedom, beds were all one size. A tall person would be chopped to fit the bed, a short person stretched. Sometimes, in schools and yeshivot, we replicate this unfortunate mistake. We idealize one type of student and force everyone to conform. Even if it goes against their nature, even if it hurts them. A chessed-loving boy with ADHD is shunned because he cannot learn b’chavrusa for an hour straight, a girl with a beautiful singing voice is looked down on for her less than perfect grades. This is not the way of the Torah. In the words of Rabbi Y.Y. Jacobson, if we do this, “we are off the derech.”

Our gedolim illuminated the way. Rav Aharon Leib Steinman zt’l wouldn’t let a talmid be expelled from the yeshiva until his Rebbi first davened for him. Rav Dovid Trenk zt’l who interrupted a Torah UMesorah convention when a questioner asked ‘How do we know when to kick a boy out of yeshiva?’ His Rebbetzin recalls that he jumped up and said ‘For this we came to Torah UMesorah? Let’s discuss how to get more boys into the yeshivos…²’ Rav Gershon Edelstein zt’l who cautioned that parents should never force their child to attend minyan because ‘forced chinuch is backwards’ and always backfires. The Gedolim have always advocated – and continue to demonstrate – just love them.

Simcha: The Antidote

Rav Moshe Feinstein held that the rampant American assimilation of the 20th century stemmed from the mindset “siz shver tzu zein a Yid” – it is difficult to be a Jew. Many righteous people sacrificed to keep Shabbat in those days, but some came home and announced what a burden it was. Labeling Yiddishkeit a sacrifice switched off too many.

The Leviim were the only tribe who did not participate in the Eigel. The mefarshim explain that the Leviim experienced so much joy and fulfillment through their avoda, their own shira, they did not need the dancing and the ceremony of the Eigel. When we are feeling full, we do not have room to turn to sin, to turn off the path.

Watching children struggle to love Torah and mitzvot is one of the most painful challenges. And we cannot name a specific segula or cure. But one thing we do know is that if we live and love our Yiddishkeit, with passion, with fire and with connection, we model to our children that this derech is the only true way, the only happy way and the most beautiful way. There may be glittering temptations out there, tantalizing options which dangle in front of them, but if we “get high”³ only through Torah, we have lit up the derech with clarity, authenticity and sweetness.

Vhaarev Na Hashem, may You make the Torah sweet.

For us, our children, and all the children of Klal Yisrael.

This article is inspired by my holy brother, Sammy, who gathered many of the quoted sources for me and taught me that we are all on our own journey.