Shmirat Negia and the Blessings of Boundaries

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Tis the human touch

in this world that counts,

The touch of your hand and mine,

Which means far more

to the fainting heart

Than shelter and bread and wine.

For shelter is gone

when the night is o’er,

And bread lasts only a day.

But the touch of the hand

And the sound of the voice

Sing on in the soul always.

Spencer Michael Free

Touch is a powerful sense. It connects us in a deep, physical, spiritual and emotional way. For this reason, in Judaism, touch is protected and reserved for only the most intimate relationships, and sexual touch is reserved only for a husband and wife at specific times.

Here we will briefly examine the law of ‘shomer negia’ and through it, learn how halacha gives us boundaries that help us to use touch in a constructive and holy way.

Providing Some Context

Shomer negia (literally guarding touch) is perhaps one of the most misunderstood mitzvot in human interaction. Many think of it as a ‘nice thing to do’ – avoid touching any one of the opposite sex so that when you marry and are finally allowed to touch your spouse, it is that much more special. This is true – being careful with whom, when and how we touch others definitely enhances the power of our touch and sensitizes us to it. But it’s not just a nice custom, it is actually a full fledged obligation and it is found in the verses of the Torah. In Parshat Achrei Mot we read: “None of you shall come near anyone of his own flesh to uncover nakedness: I am the Lord”¹.

Our Rabbis debated the meaning of the words ‘come near’, discussing what sort of acts might constitute breaking this rule. Two schools of thought exist: One, that the words refer to any sort of sexual or presexual behavior, and therefore any such acts (hugging, kissing, even flirtatious behavior) constitute a Torah prohibition. Alternatively, some held that the words “come close” refer to actual sexual intimacy, and therefore the prohibition on touch is Rabbinic in nature. The Rambam held the former while the Ramban held the latter opinion. Whichever level, it is clear that the issue is one of affectionate touch (negia shel chiba) and that it exists to help us create boundaries on who we engage in an intimate manner with².

When it comes to the boundaries of touch, we need to examine our feelings and motives to enable us to keep the mitzvah properly, sometimes even beyond what is stipulated in mainstream halacha. The mitzvah of shomer negia helps us to set out boundaries where we might otherwise struggle if left up to us, and thereby gives us power over strong and normal inclinations.

Indeed, shomer negia applies to all affectionate touch between unmarried members of the opposite sex³. It does not apply to parents and children, and grandparents and grandchildren. Between siblings is a debate and in more stringent communities there is none between brothers and sisters of bar/bat mitzvah age. The laws of shomer negia do apply to uncles and aunts, cousins and friends, and can certainly pose a challenge within families. As only affectionate touch is assur, the prohibition does not exist between a doctor and a patient. In general, religious men and women will usually avoid any physical contact with one another outside of wedlock.

What Is Affectionate Touch?

With this prohibition comes the debate on what ‘affectionate’ touch looks like. The Shulchan Aruch categorizes affectionate touch as behavior that might lead to relations, and includes flirtatious behavior such as winking, as well as lustful behavior such as gazing. In a very interesting Teshuva on whether it is permissible for a person to ride on the subway, knowing that he will likely come into physical contact with women, Rav Moshe writes: Such physical contact involves no prohibition, because it does not contain any element of lust or desire.”⁴ However, Rav Feinstein cautioned, that if one knows that he would feel pleasure from these interactions, he needs to avoid them.

This shows that when it comes to the boundaries of touch, we need to examine our feelings and motives to enable us to keep the mitzvah properly, sometimes even beyond what is stipulated in mainstream halacha. The mitzvah of shomer negia helps us to set out boundaries where we might otherwise struggle if left up to us, and thereby gives us power over strong and normal inclinations.

It is important to note that the prohibition applies to both men and women. Touch is powerful no matter your gender. Generalizations about differences between male and female sexuality certainly exist; in this case halacha lets us know that despite these differences, touch comes with a level of intimacy that we need to be aware of, regardless of our gender.

The Gray Bits

While there are some clear areas in this halacha, there are also some that are more gray. These may also be culturally significant. An example of such a case is that of handshaking. To many, the concept of a handshake as being affectionate might seem laughable, but this too, a modern form of greeting, has been debated by contemporary Sages. Rav Moshe Feinstein addressed the issue leaving his opinion somewhat ambiguous: “As far as your having seen even pious individuals returning handshakes offered by women, perhaps they think it does not constitute an affectionate act, but it is really difficult to rely on this.”⁵

Rav Feinstein seems to hold that a handshake may well come close to an affectionate form of touch. Indeed, the context might make a difference, and not all handshakes are greeted equal. Greeting a friend at shul with a handshake would not be the same as greeting a potential business partner at a meeting. The existing relationship, the non physical closeness that one may already have, could very well change the nature of that handshake. On the other hand, handshaking is not a sexual action. Rav Henkin related to this in a Teshuva writing, “Certainly, handshaking is not counted among sexual actions (pe’ulot) or lustful actions (darkhei hazenut). Moreover, in both Sefer haMitzvot 15 and Hilkhot Issurei Biah 16 21:1 Maimonides stresses that the negative commandment (lo ta’aseh) proscribes activities that customarily lead to sexual relations. Handshaking is not one of these.”⁶

Considering these opinions is important in knowing how to respond when someone who does not know these laws offers you a hand, or if sometone perhaps taps you on the shoulder. In Judaism, we make great efforts to avoid embarrassing others. If one is likely to find themselves in a situation where an acquaintance or friend reaches out in some form of ‘gray’ touch, it would be with explaining these laws and the rationale behind them in a kind and sensitive way.

The Challenge

At the beginning of the article we mentioned that this mitzvah is often misunderstood as a nice custom. Perhaps this misunderstanding stems from the fact that it is a challenging mitzvah to keep. This is especially true in today’s world in which we have become desensitized to so much relating to intimacy and closeness, especially between opposite genders and where inter-gender mingling and friendships are common even in religious societies. This makes it especially important that we have these boundaries from halacha to ensure that our relationships use touch in the right time and place, and in constructive and holy ways. Judaism – unlike some other religions- places a great deal of value on the physical and sexual relationship between a husband and wife. It also recognizes the inherent challenge of our normal physical drives and this is why these boundaries exist. The midrash teaches us:

“Why was the parasha of the arayot [prohibited sexual relationships] juxtaposed with Parashat Kedoshim [which opens with the injunction to “be holy”]? To teach you that wherever you find a fence around erva [prohibited sexual activity], you find kedusha [sanctity]. Like that [view] of Rabbi Yehuda bar Pazi, for Rabbi Yehuda bar Pazi said: Whoever fences himself off from erva [sexual transgression] is called holy.”⁷

The mitzvah of shomer negia places a challenge before us; it goes against the stream of the modern secular culture which surrounds and can influence us. We can sometimes find ourselves in complex situations, in which we need to consider the most halachic and sensitive ways in which to respond. It is, frankly, hard to refrain from touch with people we feel close to. Yet alongside the challenge comes the opportunity to understand the power of a “simple” human sense, the chance to be honest with ourselves, to recognize our humanness and normality. It gives us an opportunity to heighten our personal relationships and to use this poignant human function and need, to build and establish positive and holy unions. Shomer negiah teaches us that boundaries come with blessings.

Vayikra 18,6 ↩︎
Based on the halachic discussion by Laurie Novick: https://www.deracheha.org/physical-intimacy-2/ ↩︎
Touch within marriage also comes with particular boundaries, through the laws of family purity, but that is an article for a different time. ↩︎
Igrot Moshe, Even Haezer, Vol. II, 14 ↩︎
Igrot Moshe, Even Haezer, Vol. I, 56 ↩︎
Hakirah, The Flatbush Journal of Jewish Law and Thought ↩︎
Vayikra Rabba, Kedoshim 24:6 ↩︎