Is Self-Care Aligned with Torah Values?

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Self-care. It’s a buzzword. It brings to mind a variety of images. Of a mother who spends an afternoon at the nail salon to recover from her intense responsibilities at home. Of a wife who says no to the guests because she needs a relaxing Friday night seuda. Of a teenager who indulges in expensive salads and smoothies to take a break from school work. We might think self-care is antithetical to Torah as it is just as it sounds: self, care – centered on the self. It sounds like a worship of our own needs to the exclusion of others, an act which certainly would not line up with Torah standards. But what is self-care really? And can we find a mode of expressing it in a way that aligns with Torah values?

The primary issue concerning self-care is the way it is portrayed in the media. At its core, the message which is subtly being promoted is “leave your responsibilities behind.” The principle which underpins the self-care industry is that women deserve a break, that they need to indulge in spa treatments or shopping sprees in exchange for the hard work they do. That somehow, through performing our duties as Jewish women, wives and mothers, we have earnt the right to switch off. To leave our husband in charge of the home and the children and to fly off on a vacation all in the sacred name of self-care.

While we would struggle to find a Torah source which prohibits buying ourselves the extra pair of shoes or treating ourselves to a sushi lunch, the mentality behind these acts runs deeply against Torah hashkafa. Generation self-care perpetuates the message that life, with its responsibilities, is nothing more than a burden. That looking after our home and caring for our children is a chore which we sorely need relief from. That our day is full of obligations which we deeply desire to escape. There is nothing wrong with needing a recharge, just like a car needs petrol or a device needs batteries charged. Such is part of the cycle of the world. But, if the tasks we are doing daily – holy tasks, which form our entire 9-5 (and beyond!) and our entire avodat Hashem – are tasks which we spurn and which drain us, this mindset is anti-Torah. A Torah Jew derives their fulfillment, their drive and their pleasure from the day-to-day. Looking after our homes and children, working hard at our jobs, learning Torah – these things give us true joy. All we need sometimes is a refresh.

Rebbetzin Ruthie Halberstadt provides a litmus test for how we know if our acts of self-care are in line with our value system or not. “Ask yourself,” Rebbetzin Halberstadt teaches, “Whether after your act of self-care you feel you have added to your gashmiyut or your ruchniyut.” We can assess: has this spa treatment made me feel like I need to indulge more or has it invigorated me to return to my home and its responsibilities with a spring in my step? If our acts of self-care sink us deeper into our physical needs, they are solely physical acts, selfish acts even. But if they fill us with joy and light and the power of renewal, they become a stepping stone for further spiritual elevation. They help create stronger, happier, healthier women, wives and mothers.

Women are compared to the moon. The moon waxes and wanes as it travels through its monthly journey. Women too, wax and wane, as they go through the often mundane motions of housework and childcare. One of the biggest stumbling blocks for women, which can lead to their burnout, is the repetitive nature of their tasks. Cleaning the same cereal bowls each morning, folding the same pairs of socks. Like the moon, women need renewal. When acts of self-care are viewed in this lens, they become a significant part of a woman’s spiritual cycle. Her hard work, her almost descent into feelings of burnout and then, her renewal and rejuvenation. As the pasuk in Eishet Chayil says¹ “Ta’ama ki tov sachra” She sees her work is good. She gets pleasure from what she does, she is refreshed. “Lo yichbe balayla neira.” Her candle will not extinguish, she will not burn out.

Self-care does not have to be physical. In fact, a significant area of self-care is looking after our mind and nourishing our soul. Rabbeinu Yonah (Mishlei 19:10) wrote that peace of mind allows us to access wisdom and focus on introspection. In other words, if we take care of ourselves emotionally, we are freeing up headspace for spirituality. Whether it is a bubble bath, journalling or simply drinking your cup of coffee slowly; acts which slow us down and nurture our minds equip us to focus on Torah. When our minds are jumbled and overwhelmed, we are not in the right frame of mind to serve Hashem. When we take the time to clear our head, we can achieve the menuchat hanefesh necessary to access Torah wisdom.

Rebbetzin Esti Hamilton discusses one more form of self-care and that is the self-care of the soul. Our soul has an innate desire to connect to Hashem and is in constant pursuit of wisdom. In order to satisfy the soul, we must be constantly expanding our spiritual self. Listening to a shiur, buying a new sefer, reading a thought-provoking Torah article and saying Tehillim – all these things bring great pleasure to the soul and in turn, will fill the empty space which causes us to seek self-care.

Shlomo Hamelech repeatedly writes in Shir Hashirim that we are lovesick for Hashem. Indeed, the emptiness we sometimes feel is often, in fact, a void of the soul. If we can learn the spiritual love language of our soul, whether singing to Hashem, studying His Torah or expressing ourselves through chesed, we should practice it over and over. This is the truest form of self-care.

The idea for the article and some of its content was inspired by Yocheved Rottenberg’s book Write Your Way Home