Bamidbar: Inside and Out

Rav Chaim Vital writes that the way in which a husband treats his wife is a reflection of all of his middot (character traits). Regardless of how he interacts with the outside world, the way a man conducts himself inside his home is the mark of his true essence. When doors are closed, when study partners, Rabbanim and business associates are no longer around, how does he behave? A husband who is in control of his middot in the home is a truly great man. The same idea, of course, can be expressed about the woman of the home. No matter how giving, loving and positive a woman is with her friends, colleagues, or even with her nieces and nephews; the glow of her character shines brightest in her own home. Maintaining a calm and loving composure amidst the regular chaos of running a home, how she reacts when her husband disagrees with her or upsets her and whether she bears grudges in her heart, will only be known to the four walls of her home. This is possibly our greatest challenge, but certainly our most sterling achievement. 

Rav Aharon Leib Steinman zt’l was one of the Torah luminaries of our generation. He was a Rosh Yeshiva and Gadol Hador and more than that, he was available to the masses of Jews who sought his wisdom and counsel in all areas of life. In short, he was a giant. Rav Aharon Leib used to travel across continents to inspire and strengthen Jewish communities; from Eretz Yisrael to Europe, from North America to South. On one of his trips, he traveled to France and spoke in several communities there, rallying up passion for Torah and serving Hashem. Several days into the trip, he spoke to the group of men who had accompanied him on his travels. 

‘Tell me,’ the great Rav asked, ‘Have you bought your wives a gift, here in France yet?’ 

Rav Aharon Leib, the Torah giant, amidst his busy travels to uplift communities of Jews had possibly just delivered his greatest speech. He was not thinking of himself, nor was he even talking about the incredible mission he was involved in. He stopped and thought about what was going on at home. He stopped and thought about what it is like when a wife misses her husband while abroad. He stopped and thought about how nice it would be to bring home a little gift for a spouse. A mini symbol of connection. This is true greatness.

In this week’s parsha, we elect twelve leaders; one from each of the tribes of the people. The pasuk says that we should select ‘ish, ish,’ translated as ‘a man, a man.’ This expression seems superfluous. If we are looking for one man from each tribe, why do we say ‘a man’ twice? In a sense, we are looking for two men. But we are looking for those two men to coexist within one person. The first ‘ish’ refers to the public domain. We are looking for a leader who will be in the public eye, out in the open, leading the community, driving the energy in national projects. There are probably numerous candidates for this job; people who are willing to be out there, involved, famous. But what is this person like with his spouse? With his kids? We are looking for a second ‘ish’ too, a second aspect to this person. We are looking for someone who is a leader in the private sphere as well. We are looking for someone who has as much passion, patience and love for his family as he has for the public arena. We are looking for someone who could always be described as an ‘ish,’ a true leader and giver inside and out. We are looking for someone who can fly across the world in the name of Torah as a high-profile leader, yet stop to buy his wife a present. This is an ‘ish, ‘ish.’ An inspiration inside and out.

We find that the closer we get to public personalities; politicians, footballers, singers, the less impressed we are with what we see. Behind the glitz of fame and fortune, the mystique dissipates and the internal person is exposed for who they truly are. We see dishonesty, hypocrisy, and infidelity. But the closer we get to our stars; to our Torah giants and leaders, the opposite is revealed.

The Mishna in Pirkei Avot¹ instructs us ‘Do not judge your friend until you have been in his place.’ In other words, we should refrain from casting judgements on those around us since we have not walked in their shoes and lived their experiences. But in light of what we have been discussing, we can also understand this more literally. Do not judge a person until you have been in their place. What is their place? Their home. We cannot judge a person’s character until we have seen them at home. We can call someone an ‘ish,’ a great public figure when we witness communal acts of devotion. But it is only if we could peek behind-the-scenes and visit someone when the external mask is shed and the guard is down, that we can call them an ‘ish, ish,’ a role-model inside and out. 

We find that the closer we get to public personalities; politicians, footballers, singers, the less impressed we are with what we see. Behind the glitz of fame and fortune, the mystique dissipates and the internal person is exposed for who they truly are. We see dishonesty, hypocrisy, and infidelity. But the closer we get to our stars; to our Torah giants and leaders, the opposite is revealed. Behind the great Rosh Yeshiva or halachic authority, we find countless stories that have been concealed from the public eye. Stories of love and devotion to the Jewish people, stories of beautiful dedication to Hashem, stories of refined and loyal spouses. It is these precious glimpses into their private life that manifests their towering greatness. It is to these people, ‘ish, ish’ that we look up to. Not just because they are impressive in the media or that their names are engraved on plaques, it is the incredible way they conduct themselves in the privacy of their homes. 

There is a beautiful song which depicts the ideal Jewish woman, customarily recited on Friday night. Authored by the wisest of all men, King Shlomo, the poem ‘Eishet Chayil,’ (Woman of Valor) lauds the perfect Jewish woman with praises encompassing the entire Hebrew alphabet. One of the lines reads ‘Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits with the elders of the land.’ Isn’t this puzzling? We are in the middle of reciting the praises of the Jewish woman and King Shlomo diverts our attention to the wisdom of her husband, describing his elevated status as he is seated with the greats of the nation. What has this got to do with the Jewish woman?

Everything. The husband’s achievements are that of the wife, too. A woman who has enabled her husband to achieve such heights is indeed a woman worthy of praise. A man who has grown in his Torah learning to the extent that all those within the city gates have heard his name, must have had a wife who enabled him to attain these heights. His wife is his spiritual partner, and through many small acts of devotion over time, the love and encouragement the wife brought to the home produced a husband who merited to sit with the elders. It is who we are at home that truly defines us, and a woman who not only excels in kindness outside of her home, but is warm and complimentary within her home, is a woman of praise. One of the greatest appellations we can aspire towards is ‘Her husband is known in the gates…’ because when we are true leaders of our homes and we make our home a place of warmth and growth, the greatness inside will spread to the outside too. Then we will achieve this honorable level of ‘ish, ish.’ 

1. 2:4 ↩︎