Bechukotai: Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Too close for comfort. Familiarity breeds contempt. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

We could quote multiple sayings which seem to suggest to us that keeping away from people will ensure our closeness. We are warned against spending too much time, lest our imperfect selves place distance between us and the other party. The Torah’s view, in this week’s parsha, appears to strengthen this concept. 

“You will come to my sanctuary and I will not despise you.” Hashem tells us these perplexing words, seemingly the opposite of what one beloved would say to endear the other. Instead of recording that Hashem will love us when we visit His sanctuary, the Torah almost cautions us that we will not be utterly despised. This makes us wonder, could we become distant from Hashem from overfamiliarity? Indeed, in Mishlei (25:17) King Shlomo advises that we make our feet cold in our friend’s house, meaning that we should not visit too often– lest familiarity breeds contempt. King Shlomo wrote that a friend could become sated with a person and eventually hate them if they spend too much time together. We may have experienced that sometimes when we spend excess time with someone, the idealized version which we paint them to be fades away and their flaws move to the center of our focus. The transition from the focus on their greatness to the focus on their deficiencies can be an instant recipe for hatred.

Hashem is encouraging us that familiarity with us will never cause Him to look down on us or to seek distance. He can see us up close, inside out, head and heart, in every context, and never become repulsed. In fact, the exact opposite is true. It is only the deepest of lovers and the closest of friends who have the potential to despise each other so strongly. By mentioning the possibility of our presence in Hashem’s sanctuary leading to distance, it expresses the closeness and how much love there is. 

So what is Hashem telling us? Rebbetzin Lankry explains that the Torah’s baffling statement that Hashem will never despise us is actually an incredible reassurance. Hashem is encouraging us that familiarity with us will never cause Him to look down on us or to seek distance. He can see us up close, inside out, head and heart, in every context, and never become repulsed. In fact, the exact opposite is true. It is only the deepest of lovers and the closest of friends who have the potential to despise each other so strongly. By mentioning the possibility of our presence in Hashem’s sanctuary leading to distance, it expresses the closeness and how much love there is. 

In our own sanctuaries, within our homes, with our siblings and parents, spouses and children, we can model this concept. We could take the opportunity of living up close to our family to feel frustrated by their limitations and idiosyncrasies. To resent their personality quirks and imperfect characteristics. 

This one is disorganised and that one is slow. This one is dramatic and that one is intense. This one is spaced out and that one is bossy. 

Or, we could make a guarantee to our family members. The guarantee that is recorded in this week’s parsha. You may live in my sanctuary all year long and I will never despise you. I will never loathe you when I see your true character. We can emulate Hashem and channel our unconditional love for our relatives, choosing to love and respect them despite their flaws. 

Truly, the sefira is the perfect time to work on such a mindset. In this period, we mourn the tragedy of the students of Rabbi Akiva, 24,000 of whom died for lack of kavod for one another. I wonder, if someone has the same chavrusa each day, how easy it is to look at him with true respect. A chavrusa would see his partner’s insecurities, perhaps his lateness or his overkeen chiddushim. Maybe he has an inflated sense of self or is constantly racing ahead. Rabbi Akiva’s students were charged with the statement in this week’s parsha. To be in the same sanctuary, to learn and daven in one place, right up close and yet to never look down on or despise. To view the guy learning next to them as a gadol, even if he didn’t learn in the same way as themselves. 

Developing these eyes means choosing to focus on the good of the person and acknowledging that for every trait which may bother us in the other person, we have one too. It means seeing the enthusiasm in the person who is too fast-paced for your liking, admiring the maturity of the person who seems too intense or serious for you and being impressed by the sense of menucha surrounding the person who seems spaced out. For every trait, there is an appropriate application and we can choose to focus on the beauty and strength of those traits which push our buttons, rather than view them as wrong or less-than. 

May we merit to use this sefira period to elevate not only our relationship with Hashem, but our connection with our nearest and dearest. May we view everyone in our sanctuary with loving, compassionate, non judgemental eyes and not fall into despising our family in the comfort of our sanctuary. We can be sure that Hashem is viewing each of us, with all our imperfections and deficiencies with complete love and desire for closeness.