10 Things I Learned From My Newborn

Having a baby is a busy time in one’s life – and doesn’t leave too much leftover for learning Torah. Nevertheless, over these last 7 weeks since I gave birth, I have found myself learning from the deepest sefer of all: my baby. Here are some of the lessons I’ve picked up…

1. Forgive and forget. It’s a phrase we have tossed around lightly, or heard being preached – but one which is truly hard to achieve. Babies, with their incredible focus on the here and now are able to easily forgive and forget. One moment, your baby is crying desperately for milk, feeling as if you will never feed them again and the next, they are sucking contentedly, as if nothing happened in between. Imagine if we lived our own relationships in the moment. If we could enjoy spending time with the person who canceled on us so many times or appreciate the birthday gift which came late. My newborn taught me to move on and forgive.

2. “This too shall pass”. Or in its Hebrew form ‘gam ze ya’avor.’ Undoubtedly, the most crushing aspect of any life challenge is the feeling of endlessness. Although we all know that the Purim story ended with joy, the Maccabim prevailed over the Greeks and that the Jews were pulled out of Egypt at the last minute – the Jewish people of the time did not know when their salvation was coming. While looking after a newborn is a complete privilege and blessing, the seeming endlessness of the long nights, late feeds and inconsolable cries can feel so overwhelming. I hope to be able to ‘be the watch’ in someone else’s time of overwhelm and show them that this too, shall pass. 

3. It’s the little things that matter. It’s the little things that bring the most pleasure and joy. It’s the tiny fingers and toes which curl around you, the soft eyelashes which peacefully flutter as they fall asleep, the mini dimples which form so sweetly at their first smile. It’s those small moments, moments which a camera couldn’t capture as they fall asleep hugging you, gaze at you lovingly with their fresh eyes or babble so cutely as they wake you up in the middle of night. Equally, it can be the little things which need to be fixed to help your baby and demonstrate your love. In both the beautiful moments and the more challenging ones, motherhood has taught me to pay attention to the finer details. 

4. Don’t rush. Firstly, because I’ll regret it afterwards. The times I wanted to rush my baby off to sleep are the times she woke up, the times I tried to finish a feed quickly are the times she fed the longest and the time I wanted to dash out the door is the time I needed to dash back in for a nappy change (haven’t done that one again!) But also, the times I rush I miss the magic. My baby is never in a rush, she is always happy to take her sweet time feeding or falling asleep. I see on her face, the innocent message “this milk is all that exists right now” – and I am in awe. That serene focus is a midda which can take a lifetime to attain, the midda of menuchat hanefesh. Menuchat hanefesh means that all that exists in my world is what I am doing right now. The ability to focus solely on the present and on the task at hand. 

5. Don’t be afraid to try something different. If your baby never tried something different, they would never become the walking, talking adults who are able to read this article right now. Babies have to practice holding up their necks, even though it’s unfamiliar and sometimes uncomfortable for them. They have to try rolling over, crawling and eventually, taking their very first step. The only way they achieve these impressive milestones is by stepping outside of their comfort zone and doing something different. We too shouldn’t be afraid to try something new. Both with how we interact with our babies and with our avodat Hashem in general. Hashem set up the world that we can only grow through moving beyond where we currently stand. It could be as basic as buying a new siddur, to help us pray with renewed energy or listening to a different type of shiur. Variety is the spice of life and sometimes, through changing things up, we discover wonderful things inside of ourselves.

6. Crying is a relationship. The gematria of the word bechi (crying) is lev, which means heart. When a person sheds tears, they reveal what is inside their heart. When a mother is caught with a crying baby in public, she is embarrassed. All she can think is: “How can I get them to stop crying?” Although it is surrounded by shame, the tears of a baby are in fact their first attempts at communication. My goal is not to stop the crying, my goal is to decode it. To understand what my baby is trying to tell me. (And the crying generally stops as a result!) If my baby never cried, I would never learn deeply about what makes my baby tick. I want to know when my baby is content and when she is struggling. Only through listening to their cries, do I learn what is going on inside their heart. My early understanding of my baby is built completely through their cries. And the way I respond to those cries forms the basis of my baby’s relationship with me. Through my reaction, my baby learns that there is a loving person who they can rely on. We sometimes wonder, in our own lives, if Hashem ever wants us to “stop bothering Him.” To stop crying and praying, and to just remain silent. But we are Hashem’s children and each tear we shed forms part of our unbreakable bond of trust with Him. Hashem wants our heart, wants us to share our joy and pain, and wants us to always communicate what lies inside. 

7. Be authentic. Rabbi Joey Haber gave a powerful shiur on elevating interpersonal relationships and one point he expressed was “vibes matter.” He noted that when we accidentally miss a call of someone we wish to speak to versus when we deliberately miss someone’s call because we are feeling too lazy to speak to them, the person can sense it. They pick up on our vibes. While people can intuit your intentions, there is no-one more perceptive or more attuned to your true feelings than your baby. We cannot fake patience, calmness or love with our baby. Our babies can see right through us, and can thrive only when we are fully present and loving. My baby acts as my emotional mirror and compels me to be nothing more than 100% sincere with myself and those around me. 

8. A 24-hour job. Being a mother is a full-time position, there are no breaks, days off or substitute players. A baby has a demanding schedule and as mothers, we are expected to be up at crazy hours and still somehow summon up the energy to feed, play with and care for our babies. Even when we go to sleep, it is a special type of sleep. I am not going to sleep for myself, because at no point in my life did I sleep this extensively in the daytime! I am going to sleep solely for the purpose of energizing myself for my baby. Even when I am not awake, I continue my role as mother because that sleep is giving to my baby. It gives them a functional mother. Sleeping in the day has helped me understand that avodat Hashem too is a 24-hour job. I never really understood how going to sleep at night and telling myself that “this is part of my avodat Hashem because I need energy to serve Hashem tomorrow” was truly meaningful until I started napping with my baby. 

9. Every person is a world. When I was younger, I thought that all babies were pretty much the same. They all cry, feed and require diaper changes. Now I know that nothing could be further from the truth. While there are books written, studies published and psychology talks all focused on how to look after your baby, there is truly no one size fits all. There is no instruction guide, no magic manual. Every baby descends into this world equipped with their unique abilities, temperament, desires and dreams. Some babies are naturally more content and passive, while others can be more passionate and expressive. Part of the role of a mother is to respect her baby’s world, to come inside his or her reality and help them reach their potential from that place. If that is true of babies, it is certainly true of adults too. Through learning and respecting each individual’s inner worlds, as well as our own, we can enable everyone to access their true potential.

10. Renewal. We say in the blessings before Shema, “hamechadeish betuvo bechol yom tamid” that Hashem renews everything constantly, with His goodness. I feel that if I had my baby’s eyes, I would experience this tefilla in the most powerful way. When my baby’s eyes are open, they are staring at any light source they can see, gazing at the faces of those around them. I can see that my baby is concentrating deeply on absorbing her environment, focusing on understanding what is around her. Music is a new entity for her, as is light and dark, hot and cold, happy faces and sad ones. My baby fights sleep at night, desperately trying to keep her eyes open for fear of missing one moment of life. I see the renewal of Hashem’s creation in her eyes. Every moment with my baby, I am privileged to feel this sense of hitchadshut (renewal) and it reminds me that while it may not be new to me, every process in my body is a renewed miracle. 

If I could bless us all with one ability that our babies have, I would bless us that we should feel loved, nurtured and protected by Hashem in the same way we wish our children to feel by us. Just like we want our children to be secure in the knowledge that we have their best interests at heart, may we feel secure in the knowledge that we can always trust in Hashem.