What Is True Jewish Empathy?

From years of living in Israel, I’ve learned that if you don’t know a word in Modern Hebrew, your best bet is to say the English word with a heavy Israeli accent, clearly enunciating each syllable (and maybe adding -ia at the end). Usually that will get you pretty close to the Hebrew equivalent.

For example:

Banana = Bah-nah-nah

Battery = Ba-te-ria

Physical Therapy = Phyisiotherapia

Get the gist?

In Hebrew, empathy is “empatia”. But this always bothered me. Does the Torah have its own word for empathy? Does empathy have any roots in Jewish wisdom?

Seeing In

Moshe Rabbeinu, the first and greatest leader of the Jewish nation, was raised in an environment about as far from his ancestral culture as possible. Still an infant, he was smuggled into the palace of Pharaoh where everyone was led to believe he was a son of the Egyptian Princess. But something drew Moshe to his Jewish brethren, the slave-nation who worked tirelessly to build royal cities, all the while subjected to horribly inhumane conditions.

One day, Moshe went to see the people work. The verse¹ tells us:

And he went out to his brothers and he saw into their suffering. 

The word “into” seems extra here; it could have simply said “he saw their suffering.”² But the addition of this one word tells us something unique about Moshe. He did not simply look with superficial eyes at the situation. He did not casually walk past, sighing, “What a shame.” Instead, Moshe looked into the scene – into their eyes, into their lives, into their hearts. And as one who not only saw their pain, but felt it – he was later chosen by G-d to be the one to ease it too.

The Sages explain further³ that Moshe actually approached the Jews and began to lift bricks along with them. In all honesty – what was he thinking? Moshe was no ignoramus. Their workload was immeasurable, and any assistance he was giving was minimal. And yet he decided to help – not because he thought he would fix their problem entirely, but because he understood that true empathy is saying: hey I get it, I’m here with you.

The Path to Wisdom

In Pirkei Avot (Ethics of the Fathers), we are given a list of 48 character traits which are prerequisites for being able to study Torah sincerely⁴. These traits have nothing to do with learning how to read Hebrew or getting a background in Jewish history. They are things like: showing honor to others, being deliberate in judgment, and having a good sense of humor. Developing oneself as a decent person is a must if one wants to be able to truly understand the wisdom that Torah has to offer.

One of these 48 traits is called “Nosei b’ol im chaveiro” – carrying a burden with one’s friend. Read: Empathy.

Notice that it does not say “nosei b’ol chaveiro” – carrying a friend’s burden. Because the goal is not necessarily to carry it for them, rather to carry it with them. We can’t always remove someone else’s load; it’s beyond our control or our capacity. What we can do is let them know they are not alone.

Imagine trying to transport a fifty pound box on foot for half a mile. Pretty hard, unless you’ve been well-trained. Then imagine carrying that box along with a friend (who isn’t too well-trained either). Maybe you both hold it from underneath, maybe you switch off from time to time. Maybe you are just chatting while you carry it so the time seems to fly by. Whatever the case, having someone there with you on your journey makes the box feel a whole lot lighter. This is nosei b’ol im chaveiro – carrying the burden with your friend.

Sympathy Vs. Empathy

In a comical video short by Brene Brown, she presents a comparison of sympathy and empathy⁵. Sympathy looks down and says: Oy, poor soul. I feel sorry for you.

Empathy looks in and says: Wow, it’s tough in here.

With sympathy, the emphasis is on me, how this makes me feel by looking at you.

With empathy, the emphasis is on how I can help you feel understood, letting you know that I feel it with you.

Sympathy can lead us to feel so awful that the problem is too much to bear, and we don’t want to carry it; we want to make it go away. So instead of showing empathy to ease the burden, we are providing solutions, reasoning and answers to fix the burden. Problem is, the burden can’t be fixed.

Don’t try to give instruction, advice or critique. Just carry the pain with them. Borrow one of Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

The Torah teaches: be nosei b’ol – help them carry the burden, just by being im chaveiro – with them. Misery doesn’t really love company. But pain loves friendship, and that makes all the difference.

The Don’ts

With this backdrop, we can begin to understand how to empathize in a sincere and effective way. Empathy starts by listening – really listening – with no agenda or preconceived notions.

Don’t try to give instruction, advice or critique. Just carry the pain with them. Borrow one of Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

And when the time comes – before you speak – try and picture how you might feel if someone said to you what you’re about to say to them. While this isn’t a fool-proof litmus test (since we’re all wired differently by nature and by nurture), it’s definitely better than just saying the first thing that comes to mind – which often won’t be empathetic.

So:

How would you feel if you were suffering, and someone started asking you for all the nitty gritty details?

How would you feel if while you were crying, a friend was beginning every statement with “I…”?

How would you feel if as you were trying to get your feelings out, you were interrupted to hear some motivational thought or tool?

You probably wouldn’t feel too great… But with all of these “Don’ts,” what can you say?

Reflecting and Resolving 

The most empathetic response is to simply “reflect” – repeating, in more or less the same words, the thoughts, feelings and events that someone described. Phrases like “wow” or “hmmm” with a nod can go a long way. Try it. If you’re not used to doing this, you might feel silly. You might even have an urge to add something more, something “helpful.” Resist the urge! You’d be surprised how much reflection can help someone feel understood.

We rush to give answers, solutions, advice because we want to make their pain go away. Yes, there are situations where something practical can be done to help a friend in need, or where there is some simple solution which will “make things better.” But there are so many instances that do not fit this neat little mold. You can’t heal someone’s sick child, you can’t clean up their parnassah problems, and you can’t just hand them better shalom bayis. Being able to carry our friend’s feelings of powerlessness and lack of control, begins with our own recognition that there is no magic wand we can wave to make problems go away. But Hashem doesn’t expect us to resolve the situation.

Hashem, as the Master of all, is the only One who can ever really save us, heal us, and “fix” what is broken. When we realize this, we begin to let go of the need to fix, and become capable of sitting with a friend in pain and carrying their burden with them. As you find yourselves together in sensing that neither one of you is in control but you are both in the hands of Hashem — that is Jewish Empathy. 

¹ Exodus 2:11

² Rashi Ibid

³ Midrash Rabbah Exodus

⁴ See Rabbi Noach Weinberg’s explanation of the 48 ways here

⁵ https://www.aish.com/sp/pg/Empathy-Versus-Sympathy.html?s=authorart