Cultivating Calmness: Lessons from our Matriarchs

Work. School. Community. Home. Life is busy. There is no doubt about it. We live in a world where most of us women wear different hats, take on many roles, and divide our time between family, friends, and various responsibilities. Often, it feels as if the clock ticks faster and we’re spread thinner. In an attempt to get it all done we struggle, make sacrifices, and sometimes come out feeling a bit worse for wear. 

One of the most powerful techniques we have in our repertoire to deal with stress is a two-letter word: N-O. It’s also possibly one of the hardest tools to use. We have become accustomed to using its opposite—yes—more often. Somewhere deep down, I think, our maternal instincts to take care of others bubble to the surface in the form of agreement. G-d forbid we should never stop doing acts of chesed, yet I believe we are all entitled to take a step back and mull over a request before jumping right in. This is particularly true for those who currently feel overwhelmed with obligations and stressed out. Repeat after me: It’s OKAY to say no. 

While it’s in a different context, our Matriarch Sarah is the first to say no. In Parshat Vayeira, Sarah sees that Hagar’s son, Yishmael, is a bad influence. According to Rashi, perhaps it is referring to idol worship or alternatively, it could mean that Yishmael would shoot arrows at Yitzchak under the guise of sport and teasing, but actually with the intent to kill him (Rashi Vayeira 21:9). In either case, Sarah doesn’t like it and tells Avraham to send Hagar and Yishmael away. This is her “no.” Avraham is distressed about the situation, but Sarah understands that if she lets Yishmael stay, it could have far reaching consequences. Picture for a minute being in Sarah’s place—maybe talking the situation over with Avraham or friends. Here are a number of reasons they might give for allowing Yishmael to stay: He’s Avraham’s son, so certainly he should stay with his father. It’s just playful teasing; Yishmael will grow out of it. Who knows what will happen if you send him away? At least, if he stays, you can continue to influence him with Torah. 

All good reasons for Yishmael to stay, but in the end, Hashem tells Avraham to listen to Sarah and send them away. Sarah knows that Yitzchak is the future of the Jewish people, and there is no other alternative but to say no to the current situation. Similarly, each of us can assess our circumstances before agreeing or disagreeing to a request. If we have the time, ability, and emotional capacity to fulfill a request, the answer is yes. If, however, we are feeling inundated with commitments and responsibilities, let’s give ourselves permission to say “no” (at times) until we feel we are in a better position to handle it. 

People influence us — how we think, act, feel. If we are constantly bombarded with negativity in one area of life, it will begin to grate at us and eventually take its toll on our emotional well-being. And when our mental health suffers, our ability to cope with stress declines. On the flip side, by surrounding ourselves with people who encourage and support us, we boost our self-esteem and confidence. If our emotional health is good, we are better able to deal with everyday life. 

The next two steps to creating a more tranquil life go hand in hand. Remove yourself from negative people and surround yourself with supportive people. When we’re in relationships where there is constant arguing and fighting, our mental well-being suffers. If we trudge to work each day and nobody respects and values the work we do, we might become less productive over time. If every new idea we share with spouses, family members, or friends is shot down, our self-confidence is sure to plummet. People influence us — how we think, act, feel. If we are constantly bombarded with negativity in one area of life, it will begin to grate at us and eventually take its toll on our emotional well-being. And when our mental health suffers, our ability to cope with stress declines. On the flip side, by surrounding ourselves with people who encourage and support us, we boost our self-esteem and confidence. If our emotional health is good, we are better able to deal with everyday life. 

Our second matriarch, Rivka, knew the importance of influence and surroundings. In the episode where Eliezer comes to her father’s house to seek out a wife for Yitzchak, Rivka’s mother and brother discuss the possibility that Rivka will stay longer with them for a set period of time before leaving with Eliezer. However, when they ask Rivka her thoughts, she says, “I will go” (Chayei Sarah 24:58). Rashi comments on the same verse, that Rivka means to say here that she would go on her own, even if her family doesn’t give their permission. Rivka’s father and brother were wicked people, and now she has the opportunity to leave her sinful family. By leaving with Eliezer and marrying Yitzchak, Rivka can finally be in a place where she can fully actualize her potential. Let us learn from Rivka, that the influences around us matter. If we can remove ourselves from negativity and surround ourselves with nurturing people and good role models, we will naturally feel more at ease, even during stressful moments. 

Finally, it’s important to create the right atmosphere at home. A calm and peaceful home life lends itself to a better ability to handle stress. There are countless studies on how the environment, be it in school, at work, or at home, can affect people. While it’s not always possible, if we can change our environment to a more positive one, we will ultimately reap the benefits and feel better about our situation. A happy environment can mean different things to different people. For some it might mean a neat and tidy house. For others it might mean family dinners every night. If we understand what we need and create that type of atmosphere in our homes, we are more likely to flourish. By again looking at our Matriarchs, we can witness what makes a house a home.

Rashi says that the tents of Sarah and Rivka were blessed with three miracles: the Shabbat candles would stay lit all week, the challah dough would miraculously increase, and a cloud of Hashem would hover over their tents. (Rashi Chayei Sarah 24:67). Both women merited these miracles because they always invited Hashem into their homes. By making Torah and spirituality a basic part of everyday life, they were able to carry over the kedusha of Shabbat into the week! 

It is within our reach to cultivate calmness into our lives. By doing those things that are necessary or most important to us and saying “no” when we’re feeling overwhelmed, we not only take better care of ourselves, but we feel less external and internal pressure. If we step away from negative influences and toward supportive people, we can maintain or improve our mental well-being, which will positively affect our ability to cope. And creating an atmosphere at home that not only makes us happy, but is also infused with spirituality, will remind us of what’s important in life and worth stressing over.