It seems that we live in a world where intimacy and sexuality are everywhere you look. It appears in the content of TV shows, advertisements, and might even be brought up in workplace conversation. The boundaries of what is appropriate for publicity, the place for expressions of one’s sexuality, and the purpose of the sexual drive, seem to be completely blurred. On the other hand, in some societies, we might see a complete repression of sexuality, be it in the idealization of celibacy that exists in Catholicism, or the notion that physical intimacy is something animalistic. In contrast, the Jewish view of sexuality and intimacy is neither of the above. Rather it teaches us that what appears to be something so biological and physical, holds great holiness and potential for spiritual growth.
The Torah does not shy away from discussing sexuality and its powerful influence on mankind, not least its necessity in the continuation of humankind. With references throughout Tanach, the book of Shir Hashirim, and discussions between the Rabbis in the Talmud and later sages, our sources recognize that sexuality is an important part in being a human. But being human is not a bad or animalistic state, rather the author of Iggeret Hakodesh, (a 13th Century Kabbalistic treatise on the appropriate approach to physical relations), reminds us that “neither sexual organs nor sexual intercourse are obscene, for how could God create something that contains an obscenity? God created man and woman, and all their organs and functions, with nothing obscene in them.”1
How we use sexuality, however, is up to us, and that is why, as with anything powerful, we need boundaries to help us utilize the power in positive ways. This is why the Torah placed restrictions on when, where, with whom, and how, we should give expression to sexuality.
In Judaism, sexual expression is reserved for marriage.The very term for marriage in Jewish law is called kiddushin, meaning sanctified. Halacha sees marriage as a holy and sanctified relationship, one that not only includes the husband and wife, but also Hashem. The Igeret Hakodesh tells us, “When you and your wife are engaged in sexual union, do not behave lightheartedly and regard this act as vain, idle, improper.” In reading the Igeret hakodesh’s guidelines, we see that marital relations are not only about procreation and physical pleasure, rather they are a basis and a mechanism for emotion and connection. He goes one, “Therefore, first introduce her into the mood with gentle words that excite her emotion, appease her mind and delight her with joy. Thus you unite your mind and intention with hers. Say to her words which in part arouse in her passion, closeness, love, will, and erotic desire, and in part evoke in her reverence for God, piety and modesty…”2
When the Torah denotes sexual relations between a husband and wife it uses the term ‘la’daat’, to know, which teaches us that in a committed relationship, the physical bond is an expression of the highest level of intimacy – physical and emotional- between two people. It is the complete knowledge and understanding of one’s partner.
How we use sexuality, however, is up to us, and that is why, as with anything powerful, we need boundaries to help us utilize the power in positive ways. This is why the Torah placed restrictions on when, where, with whom, and how, we should give expression to sexuality.
The same insight can be gleaned from the occasions, aside from the time of the woman’s period of nidah, in which one may not come together physically with one’s spouse. These all relate to the emotional and mental state. For example, the Rambam writes3 that a couple may not be together when one is drunk, when thinking of another woman, or when angry. Sexual relations may not be used as a source of power – such as rape, or when the wife is feeling afraid, or vulnerable. When engaged in this intimate act, a couple needs to be aligned, with the proper intentions, mutual respect and committed to one another. Sexual relations are not a tool for self- interest. Rather, they are a path to foster connection and empower the union of husband and wife.
The Zohar explains that sexual relations not only foster connection between man and wife, but also between the couple and Hashem stating that “Where there is no union of male and female, people are not worthy to behold the Divine Presence.”4 Through this merging between male and female, the couple reaches a stage called Yichud. The Kabbalah believes that marriage and the sexual union is the reunification of the soul, and that it is Hashem that directs this reunification.
In the secular world, we see a blurring of boundaries and indulgence in physicality. In some religions, we see an attempt to bypass the physical on the way to the spiritual. The Jewish approach to sexuality, and indeed to life, presents a synthesis between the two. With our mitzvot and boundaries we have the opportunity to constantly be bringing Hashem into this world. Rabbi Sacks suggests that marital love and intimacy can teach us about love for Hashem, and His love for Am Yisrael, and points out that the reminder of the covenant is on the male sexual organ as “it unites the life of the soul with the passions of the body, reminding us that both must be governed by humility, self-restraint, and love.”5 Perhaps this can help us understand the passionate love depicted in the book of Shir Hashirim, a love song understood to be an analogy of the love between Hashem and his wayward nation, Israel.
Using physical desires for holiness is one of the most revolutionary aspects of Torah and avodat Hashem. As Rabbi Sacks explains: “As with sex, so with eating: these are the most primal activities, shared with many other forms of life. Without sex there is no continuation of the species. Without food, even the individual cannot survive. These, therefore, have been the focus of radically different cultures. On the one hand there are hedonistic cultures in which food and sex are seen as pleasures and pursued as such. On the other are ascetic cultures – marked by monastic seclusion – in which sex is avoided and eating kept to a minimum. The former emphasise the body, the latter the soul. Judaism, by contrast, sees the human situation in terms of integration and balance. We are body and soul. Hence the Judaic imperative, neither hedonistic nor ascetic, but transformative. We are commanded to sanctify the activities of eating and sex. From this flow the dietary laws and the laws of family purity (niddah and mikveh), two key elements of kedushah, the life of holiness6.
When approaching the topic of sexuality, we must begin with the understanding that Hashem gave mankind this desire, and therefore we know it can be a positive force in the world. With this understanding we can return the conversation and place of sexuality to its proper framework, and know that it is a mechanism by which we increase Hashem’s presence in our relationships and by virtue of this, in the world.
- Igeret HaKodesh, 13th Century, Chapter 2 ↩︎
- geret HaKodesh, Chapter 6 ↩︎
- Mishne Torah, Hilchot Isurei Biah, Chapter 21 ↩︎
- Zohar, Section 3, 59a ↩︎
- https://rabbisacks.org/covenant-conversation/tazria/the-circumcision-of-desire/ ↩︎
- https://rabbisacks.org/covenant-conversation/shemini/food-for-thought/ ↩︎
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