Mishpatim: Is There a Difference Between Honoring Father and Mother?

After Matan Torah, after witnessing Har Sinai amidst thunder and lightning, shofar blows and Hashem’s voice, awe and inspiration – we left on a spiritual high. Parshat Mishpatim concretises that spiritual high and breaks down the incredible depth and beauty of living a Torah life into laws which inform and influence our everyday interactions with money, possessions and the people around us. This article will focus particularly on our relationship with our parents, examining it through a feminine lens. 

Our Obligations as Women

Women are relationship builders. Through many different capacities; as daughters, friends, wives and mothers, we are wired to connect, give and nurture. The Torah defines clear parameters for each relationship and here we will focus on our role as daughters. 

The relationship between us and our parents is primarily defined by one word: kavod. While respect or honor is the English translation, kavod comes from the root kaved/heavy. We demonstrate true respect and honor, when we treat something with weight. Conversely, when the pasuk in Mishpatim tells us (21:17) “One who curses (mekalel) his parents will be put to death,” the word mekalel is from the root kal which means light. When we treat things lightly, we show our disdain and disrespect. 

Women are relationship builders. Through many different capacities; as daughters, friends, wives and mothers, we are wired to connect, give and nurture. The Torah defines clear parameters for each relationship and here we will focus on our role as daughters.

The way we give gravity to our relationship with our parents mirrors the way we honor and respect Shabbat. We have a dual avoda on Shabbat: shamor and zachor. Shamor encompasses all the don’ts: don’t switch on the lights or don’t handle muktzeh, while zachor encapsulates all the do’s: make special dishes or clean your home for Shabbat. The shamor aspect of respecting our parents is called mora which means awe. This encompasses the acts we are forbidden to do: not contradicting our parents or not sitting in their place. The zachor aspect of respecting our parents is called kavod and can be summarised in six words:

מַאֲכִילוֹ וּמַשְׁקֵהוּ, מַלְבִּישׁ וּמְכַסֶּה, מַכְנִיס וּמוֹצִיא.¹

Providing them food and drink. Clothing them and sheltering them. Escorting them in and out. Practically, this can mean bringing them a cup of tea or placing their slippers nearby.

It is the intertwining of kavod and mora which composes the ideal relationship. Just as Shabbat is not just a day of not touching the light switch – it is beautiful food, clothing and singing. In a similar vein, not talking back to our parents is of prime halachic importance, but this does not underpin the entire relationship. There is an ambience, a feel of respect and love which we aspire to foster in our homes, the same way we cultivate the taste of Shabbat. Just like we turn around in shul to greet Shabbat because it is so precious to us, we come downstairs when our parents are home from work. 

Differences between the Mother and the Father

Until now, we discussed honoring our parents in general. Now, we will explore whether there is a distinction between the relationship with our mother and our father. 

The Torah itself seems to establish a distinction between the two. In one place the Torah says “Honor your father and mother” and in the other “Your mother and your father you shall revere.” The order of parents is reversed. Rashi explains that while the “kavod” aspects of the relationship, the positive acts connoting respect, come more naturally with one’s mother, the Torah places the father first to emphasize that it must be done for him too. Whereas the “mora” aspects of the relationship, the “don’ts” come more naturally with one’s father and therefore the Torah reinforces that this applies to one’s mother as well. The father generally plays the role of shamor in the family, ensuring that a high standard of halacha is maintained. Conversely, the mother generally adopts the role of zachor, creating warmth and love in the home. Therefore the Torah reminds us that both elements apply equally to both parents, both kavod and mora. 

This idea is echoed in Mishlei where King Shlomo instructs “Shema beni mussar avicha v’al titosh torat imecha,” “Listen, my son, to the instruction of your father and do not abandon the Torah of your mother.” The father’s chinuch is called mussar which is often translated as reproof, while the mother’s chinuch is called Torah. Torat Imecha, the Torah of the mother is all about the ambience. Rebbetzin Abramov notes that in English we refer to our native language as our “mother tongue.” This is not purely because the mother provides her child with linguistic skill. Rather, it refers to the emotional expression. 

It is the mother who creates a safe space, an emotional cocoon for her child to express themselves. This warmth and love, founded on ahavat Hashem and ahavat Torah is the primary chinuch of the mother. A child therefore will look to his father to guide him in the specifics of avodat Hashem and to his mother for the feelings which accompany it. Of course, a father provides love and certainly, a mother provides practical Torah instruction for one cannot exist without the other. But ultimately, each parent is focused on their primary domain. For this reason, a child is reminded by the Torah to respect their parents in their opposite domain: the father with kavod and the mother with mora. 

Finally, there is a fascinating Gemara in Nidda (31a) which delineates each parent’s contribution to the developing foetus. The father provides the bone, sinew, nails, brain and white of the eye (white material) while the mother provides the skin, hair, flesh, blood and the black of the eye (red material). This Gemara exemplifies a principle laid down by the Maharal, namely, that everything in creation has chomer (substance) and tzurah (shape). On a macro level, the Heavens provides the tzura, the general framework for creation, and the earth utilizes its rains to produce vegetation (chomer). Likewise, it is the male who provides the wheat (tzurah) and the female who converts it into bread (chomer). With children too, the father provides the general framework, represented by the bones and sinews – and the mother makes the substance, the flesh. This dual system means that we receive through two alternate, complementary channels. We therefore honor our parents through their domain of either chomer or tzurah.

The Gemara concludes that it is Hashem who provides the spirit, the soul, the beauty of the features, eyesight, the power of hearing, ability to speak and walk, understanding and intelligence. Hashem is the third parent who provides us with our spiritual capabilities and aspirations. When we honor our mother and father, we are blessed with the most spiritual gift of all: Hashem dwelling among us. As Chazal write, ‘When someone honors their parents, Hashem considers as if they have honored Him.’ 

1. Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143 ↩︎