Rosh Hashanah: Choosing Your Soulmate

Adam was created on Rosh Hashanah, alone on Earth until one of his ribs was used to create Chava later that same day. Some women envy Chava for the ease with which she acquired a spouse. No bad dates. No weeks pass without a date. No hours wasted picking out outfits and doing makeup. No pitiful stares from family and friends because she was single. On the other hand, Chava did not have a say in the matter of becoming his ezer kenegdo (spouse). Adam was the only man; there were no other options.  

Unlike Chava, women today have many choices when it comes to shidduchim (candidates for marriage). There are many men on Earth and they come in a diverse array: tall, short, fat, thin, smart, old, young, working, studying, and more. And, unlike earlier generations, women today are usually sufficiently educated, skilled, or financially independent to avoid marrying just to ensure bread is on their table every day. In modern society, women are the decision-makers for themselves in selecting a mate.

We differ from Chava who did not have a choice of who to marry, but we are similar in being empowered to make behavioral choices. Hashem told her not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge but gave her free will for her actions. She knew the ratzon Hashem, the will of G-d, and, when she disobeyed Him, Chava made the wrong choice that we are still paying for today.

How do we know if we are making the right choices about shidduchim? When you are presented with a shidduch idea and must choose whether or not to date him, how do you know the ratzon Hashem? And if you are already dating someone but unsure if you should continue, how do you make the right decision?

Likewise, each of us has bechira in our actions, although the ratzon Hashem is not so clear to us. For example, we know that Hashem chose our basherts, designated mates, 40 days before birth. How do we know if we are making the right choices about shidduchim? When you are presented with a shidduch idea and must choose whether or not to date him, how do you know the ratzon Hashem? And if you are already dating someone but unsure if you should continue, how do you make the right decision?

Hashem did not choose your bashert as a travel partner for exotic vacations or because he shares your love for sushi. A bashert is supposed to be your partner in avodat Hashem. Every shidduch decision should be focused on that goal.

When making choices in shidduchim, a good approach is to put yourself in Chava’s shoes and consider each prospect as THE ONLY option for you. If you and he were the only two people on the planet, would you at least give him one date to try to get to know him or would you stay single forever? And if you went on one date and thought he was funny but not too smart, or he was smart but not good-looking, would you go on a second date to explore finding reasons to respect and appreciate him, or would you walk away?  

Adam was named from the Hebrew word for ground, adama. The Alter of Slabodka explains that Adam HaRishon, the first human, recognized his potential to rise to great heights, but also the ability to err in his choices and fall to the ground. We, too, can soar high or fall down, depending on our choices.

On Rosh Hashanah, the anniversary of the union of Adam and Chava, we pray that Hashem brings us our soulmate soon. It is an opportunity to review past dating choices and behaviors. Did I give each prospect a real chance? Did I say no too quickly to someone because his profile “didn’t speak to me”? Was I right to reject him after one date because “I just didn’t feel it.” Did I focus on his shortness, baldness, roundness, limp, stutter, or other imperfections instead of the important values that matter in marriage?

There is a famous parable about residents ordered to evacuate a town because the river dam was going to break and flood the area. Many fled, but Joe stayed behind, convinced he would be safe. The dam broke and the river water started rising. Police and emergency crews urged the remaining residents to evacuate. Most left, but Joe refused, convinced he could be safe. As the river flowed into the streets, flooding forced Joe to move upstairs to his second floor. A helicopter flew by, and a rope was thrown down to his window to rescue Joe, but he refused to climb aboard. The water steadily rose, forcing Joe onto his roof, but he refused to go aboard a rescue boat that came by.

Finally, the water overtook Joe and he drowned. When he reached the Afterlife he asked in bewilderment, “G-d, why didn’t you come to my rescue and save me?” G-d responded that He did. I sent police, rescue crews, a helicopter, and a boat, but you rejected My help.

Many women have dreams and expectations of their soulmate’s religious outlooks, personality, and even profession. But no one truly knows what Hashem has in mind for us. We do not know the identity of our “helicopter” or “boat”. Declining a suggested date because we do not like his profession, where he went to school, or the color of his eyes may be refusing Hashem’s help. Ending a relationship because of wrong reasons may be rejecting Hashem’s choice.

In every decision, we must make the best choice for ourselves. In this new year, perhaps try something new, something different, to create a better outcome. On Rosh Hashanah, as you dip an apple into honey to make it sweeter, commit to dipping the apple into the honey metaphorically in your dating life. Trying something different. Taking new initiatives. Saying yes to shidduch prospects you previously would have rejected. Reconsidering men you turned down in the past. And approaching every shidduch suggestion not by asking “if” he could be your soulmate but rather, if this is Hashem’s choice for you, your partner in avodat Hashem, “how” can you make the relationship succeed? Focus on doing your part to fulfill the ratzon Hashem, and Hashem will do His.

Let the shofar this Rosh Hashanah herald in great blessings from Hashem in the new year, meriting you to meet your bashert and have clarity in making the right choice.